A Strange and Difficult Shopping Excursion
Many of you may not be aware that T and L’s biological mother signed her parental rights over last week instead of putting everyone through the termination trial in September.
And while that is exactly what I had been hoping and praying would happen for a year now, I have not felt overjoyed. I mean believe me I cannot imagine my life without them, but it is hard to celebrate when I know my happiness is because of the sorrow of another mother.
She, the birth mother, has made tremendous progress in the last sixteen months since she lost her children to CPS, but she just is not ready or capable to care for her children as they deserve to be. She loves them tremendously, and signing those papers was not an easy action for her. She wrote me a beautiful letter telling me she was going to sign them over about a month ago, but she was not ready. And I was told that when she did sign the papers, she was sobbing.
Well, tomorrow morning is their goodbye visit, a special two-hour visit for them to spend their last moments together. She does want to continue to have some sort of contact with them, and after doing much thinking and research on the matter, I believe it will be in the children’s best interest to allow them to have a relationship, but the specific details haven’t been at all finalized. Of course, the adoption isn’t for months and months! (We still have the dad’s rights to contend with.)
For quite some time I believed the kids were going to return to the mother because she was doing so much better. She was making good choices and really starting to improve. And it’s a weird experience: one one hand, as a human being, of course I want her to get her life together and make positive changes. On the other hand, I was terrified of losing my babies. And that limbo and fear of what could happen, I believe, really bonded me to their mother. Who else but she could understand the immense love and fear of losing them?
So, all week long, I’ve had butterflies in my stomach and saddness in my heart for her. I often wonder what she’s thinking and experiencing as she faces tomorrow’s visit. I wonder if she’ll have trouble sleeping tonight. The children are so young; she can’t explain to them what is happening or why. I expect she’ll write a letter to them for when they’re older, but tomorrow won’t allow her to share those thoughts and feelings with them. I imagine that the end of that visit will be one of the hardest moments in her life. And I hurt, literally hurt, for her.
I wanted to do something nice for her. It’s such an akward situation though.
So, my first thought was to buy and send a disposable camera along with a note to have the CPS workers take photos of her with the kids. I’ll get the pictures developed and keep a set for the kids and send a set to her.
But I didn’t feel that was enough. I wanted to buy her a gift. But what sort of gift does a foster/adoptive mother buy for a biological mother on the day she loses her children? I decided a nice gift would be a photo album. I have sent her hundreds of photos of the children since they’ve been with me, and I hope to continue sending her photos. I thought it would be a nice symbol for our future relationship to say, “Look….I’m going to help you fill that album up with their pictures as they continue to grow.”
So, I went to Target. I started to stroll along the photo album aisle. I had no idea which one to get. And some were obviously out: Good Times, Family, Vacation, etc. And then that made me sad again! The really bright, cute ones didn’t feel appropriate, but a black or tan felt impersonal and depressing. I finally settled on a really cute floral one. I’ll try to upload a picture tonight after the kids are asleep.
Then, I went to the gift bag aisle. I didn’t have too much trouble. I chose a cute pink and grey bag and matching tissue paper.
What’s next? The card! Geesh–why don’t they make cards for this sort of thing? I obviously went for a blank one, and I chose a pretty floral design to sort of mimic the album.
I want to write her a letter in addition to the card, and, in my head, I’ve been pre-writing and drafting all week. It’s going to be a hard letter to write. What do you say?
What do you say?
-
Adoption laws may differ by state, but there are certain adoption laws that each state must... Read Full Story » -
Washington adoption laws state that any mentally competent person over the age of 18 may adopt a... Read Full Story » -
Over the past decade, North Carolina adoption laws have changed drastically, in order to give... Read Full Story » -
Adoption laws in New Jersey allow for any person – married or single – over the age of 18 to... Read Full Story » -
In recent years, Pennsylvania adoption law has undergone some changes that are considered more... Read Full Story »
