Airing My Dirty Laundry

By Jackie PapandrewOne of life’s little ironies is that at the same time you are sharing a house with people who think they will live forever -- people (and I use the word loosely) otherwise known as teenagers -- Mother Nature begins to impress upon you the realization that you might not even make it into next week.Ma Nature, being a crotchety old lady with creaking joints, decides that your middle-aged self no longer has any business thinking like a jaunty juvenile. So, using forces like...Read Full Story

There should be a certain progressive evolution in a family’s method of camping. You should start out, when you are young, vigorous and too naïve to know better, by camping in a tent. Then, as your family and your waistline grow while your flexibility and patience decline, you should switch to some kind of pop-up trailer that at least gets you off the ground. Finally, in the golden years, when you are wise enough, wealthy enough and cranky enough to insist on taking it all with you – bed...Read Full Story

I guess I'll have to scratch this off my list of school fundraising ideas... Seven middle-aged Spanish moms who posed discretely in the buff for a calendar to raise funds for their children’s school in the small village of Serradilla del Arroyo are now sporting red faces instead of pink cheeks after the calendar didn’t sell. Read more here...Speaking of the PTA, here's a column I wrote about my own experiences with that worthy organization...Pity The PTABy Jackie PapandrewSometimes, I cast my...Read Full Story

Like many people entering middle age with an ever-expanding midsection, I really need to get in shape. I joined a gym earlier this year to fight the battle of the bulge, paying the membership fee and buying an adorable workout outfit. Then I waited for the blubber to be gone.Apparently, though, there’s more to it than that because my body continued to balloon, as I discovered recently when I tried (and failed) to find a bathing suit that would render me somewhat more attractive than a whale...Read Full Story

On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheeseI lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezedIt rolled off the table and onto the floorAnd then my poor meatball rolled out of the door…Tom Glazer -- “On Top of Spaghetti”CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE SONG...When I was a kid and apparently had far less to occupy my time than kids do today, I used to sing aloud that fanciful ditty from the 1960s – sung to the tune of On Top Of Old Smokey -- about a mountain of spaghetti and a wayward, sneeze-propelled...Read Full Story

By Jackie PapandrewI’m a big fan of the English. They are highly civilized, rich in culture and history. If only they’d learn to drive correctly and speak the language properly, they’d be a perfect people.My family recently returned from a visit to Merry Olde England, and I’m sorry to report that her inhabitants still insist on driving on the left side of the road. This is their way of paying America back for that little matter of a tea-party tantrum. Every time one of us Yanks looks the...Read Full Story

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out -- Rodney DangerfieldEvery once in a while, in a blinding moment of clarity that fortunately doesn’t last long, I realize my family thinks I’m utterly insane.Such a moment occurred just the other day when we gathered to watch a group of males armed with sticks fight over a slippery, seemingly trivial object. On most days, I could simply stay home and watch something similar take place among my own children. But for some reason, we...Read Full Story

By Jackie PapandrewEver since I can recall, my dad has been telling The Pig Story. He tells it with great flourish and over the years, he's perfected a series of coy pauses and soft smiles, delivered at just the right moment, that make its oration a work of art.I've heard The Pig Story so many times that I could recite it in my sleep. It's a tale of how, in a more simple time, my father procured my mother's hand in marriage for the price of a few hogs. It's a true story.My parents grew up on...Read Full Story

The midlife crisis is now an equal opportunity occurrence. It’s no longer just the prerogative of paunchy men using sex and speed (via trophy wives and sports cars) to drive off the deep end. Now women, once too busy bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, are jumping into the proverbial fire with their own midlife meltdowns. We’re springing for botox and dreaming of beefcake. And we’re just as desperate as the guys to stave off the ravages of old age.My midlife crisis was...Read Full Story

In honor of Season 7 of American Idol, here's an essay I wrote in an earlier season of insanity about the show...Idol WorshipNow that we are deeply embedded, as a nation, in yet another season of the cultural juggernaut that is American Idol, I have a confession to make. I too am addicted to the show. In fact, I'm a rabid fan. And I am deeply ashamed.Until last year, I was a relatively normal woman living a relatively normal life. I'd managed to resist Simon's siren call for a full four years...Read Full Story