The Bi-Polar Express
I am going to spoof "The Polar Express" replacing conductor Tom Hanks with this bi-polar nut job I used to know named Carmen.
"Get on the train now.", says Carmen. "Where are we going?", asked the hero boy. "How should I know? Just get on or I'll set you on fire.", says Carmen. The boy reluctantly gets on board the train. They stop and pick up the lonely boy. "Get on the train young man if you wanna see Santa Claus.", says Carmen to the lonely boy. The boy hesitates and the train leaves. The hero boy stops the train for the lonely boy to get on and Carmen asks, "Why are we stopping, we're going to be late! I can never do anything right." Carmen slaps herself several times in self-disgust. The hero boy asks the hero girl sitting beside him, "What the hell is wrong with her?" "I don't know, ask that man behind you, he might know.", says the hero girl. The hero boy goes up to this big man and asks him about the conductor, "Excuse me sir, can you tell us what is wrong with that woman?" The man says, "Yes, my name is Alonzo Spellman, former pro football player, and she's bi-polar. This is the bi-polar express." "Isn't it supposed to be the Polar Express?", asks the hero boy. "Oh, that was the train after us. You must have missed it.", says Alonzo Spellman.
The lonely boy, the hero boy, and the hero girl all look behind them and they see Ben Stiller, Linda Hamilton, DMX, Sting, Jim Carrey, and Robin Williams all sitting there as passengers. "Oh no. We're doomed.", says the hero boy. Carmen comes back and asks the kids, "Where the hell are your tickets, your supposed to have tickets stupid." "Hey, you lunatic, you invited us on this train.", says the hero girl. "Oh, that's right, never mind, ha, ha, ha.", says Carmen. "Would you people like refreshments?", asks Carmen. Carmen has a bunch of servants come out and give Jack Daniels and Coke to the kids. The kids all get hammered. However, she accidentally gave all the nut bar celebrities hot chocolate and they weren't too enthusiastic about getting hot chocolate. "Say, you stupid broad, do we look 10 to you.", yells Alonzo Spellman. "I don't know, your shouting, it's hurting my feelings, stop shouting.", says Carmen. Linda Hamilton becomes depressed and starts cutting on her wrist. DMX gets angry and throws a TV out the window. Robin Williams and Jim Carrey start making weird noises and dancing around.
Meanwhile, the kids are partying up front. "That Coke was really strong. I don't feel so good.", says the lonely boy. He then throws up in the hero girl's lap. The entire train is a mess. The hero boy notices that Carmen is acting funny. She's slapping herself over and over while shaking her head back and forth. She then runs out of the train car and they hear her climbing the roof. "I think she's going to do something stupid.", says the hero boy. So the kids follow her outside. They notice she's just standing on the roof of the train car with a tunnel fast approaching. "You're going to kill yourself!, yells the hero boy. The hero girl and the hero boy jump on the roof and grab Carmen pulling her down before she gets chopped in half. They then tie her up and chain her to one of the seats. She starts giggling and laughing uncontrollably.
So somehow, the train wanders it way to the North Pole. They see Santa come out of his house. "What the hell, I thought I told that dumb broad not to bring anymore kids up here when I'm hungover, Santa says to one of his elves. The elf replies, "That's right, she ain't worth a damn." The hero girl and the lonely boy both hear a constant ringing in their ears, but the hero boy doesn't. The hero boy is puzzled on why he doesn't hear the ringing in his ears of the sleigh bells and the others do.
Santa sobers up and comes out to give the kids some Christmas presents. "I believe.", said the hero boy. He said it several times over and still heard no ringing. He asked Santa what the problem was. "Son, your two friends are hearing a ringing sound cause they're freaking hammered. Take a shot of this 188 proof and rest assured, you will hear sleigh bells in your ears.", says Santa. "Wow, you're right, Santa, I hear really loud bells now."
"Get on the train now.", says Carmen. "Where are we going?", asked the hero boy. "How should I know? Just get on or I'll set you on fire.", says Carmen. The boy reluctantly gets on board the train. They stop and pick up the lonely boy. "Get on the train young man if you wanna see Santa Claus.", says Carmen to the lonely boy. The boy hesitates and the train leaves. The hero boy stops the train for the lonely boy to get on and Carmen asks, "Why are we stopping, we're going to be late! I can never do anything right." Carmen slaps herself several times in self-disgust. The hero boy asks the hero girl sitting beside him, "What the hell is wrong with her?" "I don't know, ask that man behind you, he might know.", says the hero girl. The hero boy goes up to this big man and asks him about the conductor, "Excuse me sir, can you tell us what is wrong with that woman?" The man says, "Yes, my name is Alonzo Spellman, former pro football player, and she's bi-polar. This is the bi-polar express." "Isn't it supposed to be the Polar Express?", asks the hero boy. "Oh, that was the train after us. You must have missed it.", says Alonzo Spellman.
The lonely boy, the hero boy, and the hero girl all look behind them and they see Ben Stiller, Linda Hamilton, DMX, Sting, Jim Carrey, and Robin Williams all sitting there as passengers. "Oh no. We're doomed.", says the hero boy. Carmen comes back and asks the kids, "Where the hell are your tickets, your supposed to have tickets stupid." "Hey, you lunatic, you invited us on this train.", says the hero girl. "Oh, that's right, never mind, ha, ha, ha.", says Carmen. "Would you people like refreshments?", asks Carmen. Carmen has a bunch of servants come out and give Jack Daniels and Coke to the kids. The kids all get hammered. However, she accidentally gave all the nut bar celebrities hot chocolate and they weren't too enthusiastic about getting hot chocolate. "Say, you stupid broad, do we look 10 to you.", yells Alonzo Spellman. "I don't know, your shouting, it's hurting my feelings, stop shouting.", says Carmen. Linda Hamilton becomes depressed and starts cutting on her wrist. DMX gets angry and throws a TV out the window. Robin Williams and Jim Carrey start making weird noises and dancing around.
Meanwhile, the kids are partying up front. "That Coke was really strong. I don't feel so good.", says the lonely boy. He then throws up in the hero girl's lap. The entire train is a mess. The hero boy notices that Carmen is acting funny. She's slapping herself over and over while shaking her head back and forth. She then runs out of the train car and they hear her climbing the roof. "I think she's going to do something stupid.", says the hero boy. So the kids follow her outside. They notice she's just standing on the roof of the train car with a tunnel fast approaching. "You're going to kill yourself!, yells the hero boy. The hero girl and the hero boy jump on the roof and grab Carmen pulling her down before she gets chopped in half. They then tie her up and chain her to one of the seats. She starts giggling and laughing uncontrollably.
So somehow, the train wanders it way to the North Pole. They see Santa come out of his house. "What the hell, I thought I told that dumb broad not to bring anymore kids up here when I'm hungover, Santa says to one of his elves. The elf replies, "That's right, she ain't worth a damn." The hero girl and the lonely boy both hear a constant ringing in their ears, but the hero boy doesn't. The hero boy is puzzled on why he doesn't hear the ringing in his ears of the sleigh bells and the others do.
Santa sobers up and comes out to give the kids some Christmas presents. "I believe.", said the hero boy. He said it several times over and still heard no ringing. He asked Santa what the problem was. "Son, your two friends are hearing a ringing sound cause they're freaking hammered. Take a shot of this 188 proof and rest assured, you will hear sleigh bells in your ears.", says Santa. "Wow, you're right, Santa, I hear really loud bells now."
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