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Ground Control to Major Bombed? NASA says astronauts HAVEN'T drunk before missions

Written by thesharkguys on

From: www.thesharkbook.com

Apparently that 'one small step for man', and all subsequent steps, (and we're guessing space walks too) have been taken in a straight line.

According to no less esteemed a publication than the New York Times (of 'all the news that'll fit between 13 inches of broadsheet' fame), there is "no evidence of crew members’ going on space missions drunk or impaired by alcohol".

This NASA decree, based on an anonymous online survey of 31 flight surgeons and 87 current astronauts done in the wake of the Lisa Nowak debacle, will finally put to bed any rumours of pie-eyed shenanigans where 'nobody can hear you scream', i.e, 'space' to the pop culture-averse. It's highly unlikely this, or any other announcement by NASA will phase conspiracy theorists though, who believe "astronauts" landed on a Hollywood sound stage and for all they know, might've been drunker than ushers at a monster truck rally while pulling their elaborate ruse.

Airline pilots are much more used to such scrutiny, to the point that many passengers would rather test the physical limits of their bowels on a long-haul bus or risk hitchhiking with a taxidermy enthusiast rather than hop on a commercial flight and risk their flyboys having indulged in too many 'Whoopie Wednesday' cocktails.

Recently, a Virgin Airways jumbo jet pilot was arrested at Heathrow seconds before takeoff on suspicion of boozing---and led away in handcuffs in front of 266 gape-mouthed passengers (including several who'd fallen asleep while the plane was still on the tarmac and had begun drooling) before investigators determined that it was only a severe case of halitosis.

As this was the second incident of asbestos-singeing breath in the span of a few months, Virgin is now, according to a spokesman, "seriously considering ordering our pilots to freshen up in the cockpit in terms of their hygiene. We might even be forced to include mints as part of our compulsory uniform."

Using breath mints to foil roadside spot checks is a well-known bit of subterfuge for the diagonal driving set, and in terms of effectiveness, a notch above checking if you share the same Alma Mater as the arresting officer (or more likely offering sexual favors upon finding out they went to police academy straight from highschool).

In other, 'he was supposedly wasted but might not be' news, it seems the driver of Princess Di's doomed ride didn't appear drunk that night, at least if you believe the account of the bodyguard who survived the fatal wreck. Trevor Rees, the sole survivor of the crash that killed Princess Diana, her lover Dodi Fayed and Henri Paul, said he would have stopped the driver from getting behind the wheel if he had thought he was drunk, thereby preventing Di from getting 'car pole tunnel syndrome'.

Next week, faithful readers, rest assured we'll resume showcasing the who’s who of the world’s worst-behaved drunks, rather than simply those that were mistankenly thought to be.

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