My New Biggest Fear
We all have thing we are afraid of. Some are afraid of being alone, others of crowds, heights, the dark, driving at night etc. This is a different kind of fear.
I never really gave much thought to what Alzheimer's actually does to you until my grandmother was diagnosed. Then, I started reading everything I could get my hands on. Since Alzheimer's is a symptom of dementia, there is no test you can take to see if you have it. The only real way to know is through an autopsy. Everything else is just an educated guess.
We all forget things. We all misplace things. But for me, especially lately, I have become quite paranoid about this. I keep telling myself it is just stress but then I will forget something and it starts in my mind like a runaway train. This just serves to make the situation worse.
One thing I have noticed with Granny is that she forgets how to say certain words. She knows what she wants to say she just can't form the words to say it. I have started having trouble pronouncing certain words lately. Not all the time and not the same words but I am tripping over them nevertheless.
So I rationalize to myself. I am tired or stressed or angry or what ever. If I tell anyone in my family, they will start freaking out. If I don't tell and I forget how to get home one day I am screwed. It is a catch 22.
A lot has happened in my life over the last 2 years. I know that has a lot to do with it. My husband and I separated and then got back together, this whole job deal, my daughter and all her drama, taking care of my grandmother, the list goes on and on. Add to the that the fact that I am not as young or as sweet as I used to be and well, there you have it. I am sure that this is a temporary thing and it will pass but I still get frightened sometimes. Especially when I can't say words that I shouldn't have problems pronouncing. I now know why my grandmother never talked much the last few years. She was afraid she couldn't carry on a conversation. Her Alzheimer's has progressed to the point that now she just gets frustrated and tells me to forget it she is going crazy.
Now for something lighthearted. When she first went to live in the nursing home she was 90. When she gets mad she will tell you " I am 90 don't talk to me like that!" Well this lady is making fun of her. My grandmother is hard of hearing and can not keep up with her glasses much less a hearing aid. While she can't hear what the woman is saying, she knows by her gestures and facial expressions that she is being unkind. Well, she gets mad and starts yelling " I am 9 I am 9!" Ha! She really cracks me up. I just love her to death.
The photos above are of the brain. The one on the left is a normal brain and the one on the right is one affected by Alzheimer's. You can go to the Alzheimer's Association website and learn just how the brain is affected by Alzheimer's. If you closely at the one in the foreground, you will see a "ghost" image of the normal brain over this one. That will give you an idea of just how much your brain dies because of this disease.
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