Cassius The Hedgehog and The Paint.
This one time, right, Cassius decided that he wanted to repaint his house. He called up his bestest ever friend Enrique the Badger and said 'Oi oi, batty boy! Let's hit B&Q; for some paint and that.'
' YEHHH!! I is well up for some a that and ting!' said Enrique.
'Alright mate, it's just some paint, chillax.' Cassius told him and hung up.
Once they got to B&Q; they went and found Colin the Toad because he works there and get's a 20% discount.
'OH! Colin! It true you gets 20% off here?' Cassius asked.
'Yeh blud, your fact is correcto. I also am eligible for a bonus as I have worked here for over six months.' Colin replied.
'Niice one mate.' Enrique said. 'Can you use your discount to get us some paint? Cassius here is re-decorating.'
'Yeh man, whatcha want, we got Dulux, Crown, Living Etc, B&Q; value..' Colin listed.
'Look, a little less conversation a little more action please Colin, I just want some cheap red paint to match my bow tie, do I look like I can afford any of that fancy nonsense?' Cassius said.
'Alright Cassie, keep your wig on.' Colin said.
'OI! I AIN'T NO GIRLY AND ALL THAT. IT'S CASSIUS INNIT. A GOOD STRONG NAME. IT'S ROMAN. AND I DON'T WEAR NO WIG. I'M ALL SPINES AND BOW TIE.' Cassius yelled.
'Cassius means vain or empty.' Enrique piped up.
'PIPE DOWN ENRIQUE. YOUR NAME MEANS IDIOT HEAD.' Cassius shouted.
'Actually it means home-ruler, so put a muffin in it Cassius.' Enrique told him.
'Oh yeh, you can talk abotu muffins. I saw ya, I saw ya with that muffin man, scoffing your face you was. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN ONE OF THEM MUFFINS?'
'Nah.' shrugged Enrique.
'Me neither and unless you want me to find out and ruin your day as WELL as your waistline then I suggest you help me find some paint boyo.' Cassius concluded.
Colin the Toad stood there for a moment bemused, until Cassius yelled 'OH! COLIN! SORT YA LIFE OUT AND SHOW ME THE PAINT!' at which point he hurried off and returned with some colour strips.
'I got warm red, deep red, roasted red, red barn, oriental red, red carpet - that's reduced.' Colin told them.
'I'll reduce you in a minute mate. Just gimme the red carpet one.' Cassius said.
Twenty-five minutes later Cassius and Enrique were back and with headscarfs and overalls on they began to paint Cassius' room. It was looking well good and really matched Cassius' bow tie.
'Red's quite an angry colour thought innit? Do you think that's a good idea? Enrique asked.
'Oh great, cheers Enrique, tell me NOW.'
'Just saying.'
'Well don't. How much paint is there left?'
'None.'
'NONE?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!'
'None.'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!?!?!'
'None.'
'Bummer.'
'What you gonna do Cassius? We've still got one wall left.' Enrique asked
'There's gotta be some left, we bought loads.' Cassius replied
'Maybe we shouldn't have put some in balloons and dropped it on Pam the Weasel's head.' Enrique pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have poured some into Christina the Fox's Bloody Mary.' Cassius said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have written on the walls of the school corridor THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED AGAIN.' Enrique added.
'Maybe we shouldn't have put it on Roland the Magpie's chips.' Cassius admitted.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted moustaches on all the pictures in today's newspapers.' Enrique said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have re-painted the benches in the park without leaving wet paint signs.' Cassius pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted all my white fur red to give me more of an edge.' Enrique added.
'Yeh, you got a point there matey.' Cassius agreed. 'Are you sure that there's none left?'
'Positive.' Enrique told him.
'Lemme just check.' Cassius said and crawled into the paint pot to see what was left.
'CASSIUS NO!!' Enrique exclaimed, but it was too late. Cassius stood up, the paint pot stuck firmly on his head.
'Cassius you muppet.' Enrique said, shaking his head.
'This ain't even funny.' Cassius said, his voice muffled by the paint pot.
'Is a bit though innit. Maybe it's karma for Christina's Bloody Mary.' Enrique suggested.
'SHUT UP BADGER.' Cassius yelled. 'This is NOT a good accessory. I cannot see a thing.' and in his panicked hedgehog state he started running round and round the room, bashing into the walls, the furniture, Enrique, the bowl of pears, the empty bottle of Tango, the washing basket, the stationary cupboard, EVERYTHING. He looked a lot like this poor mite here:
Only much sexier. Because Cassius is a pretty cool dude.
Once Enrique had got Cassius to calm down he took him to see Pam the Weasel to see if she could help, but she wouldn't help because they had thrown paint balloons at her head and she beat the with a lemon squezzer. Next they went to find Christina the Fox, but she wouldn't help because they put paint in her drink and she beat them with a bottle of Vimto. Then they tried Roland the Magpie, but he wouldn't help because they had put paint on his chips and he beat them with a hanger. Finally they tried Marcus the Squirrel but he's well grumpy and beat them with a shoe horn for no good reason other than he hadn't had his coffee that morning because he was trying to restrict his caffeine intake.
Bruised and battered Cassius and Enrique sat down on the park bench to think.
'Just give it one more pull Enrique please, I'm suffocating in here.' Cassius begged.
'So Enrique gave the paint pot one last pull and suddenly it just flew off! Turned out that all that beating had loosened it! So that was good news. Unfortunately the bad news was that they had sat on a bench that they themselves had painted so they both had red bottoms. Much like baboons. FOOLS.
Cassius would like to remind you that hedgehogs are inquisitive and are often attracted by the remaining contents in food rubbish, this can lead to them being found with their heads stuck in tins, yoghurt pots and plastic cups. Always cut the plastic rings of “carry 4 and 6 pack” holders to avoid unnecessary deaths and dispose of rubbish responsibly. If Cassius' mates gets hurt, rest assured that minty hail will be heading your way very soon.
' YEHHH!! I is well up for some a that and ting!' said Enrique.
'Alright mate, it's just some paint, chillax.' Cassius told him and hung up.
Once they got to B&Q; they went and found Colin the Toad because he works there and get's a 20% discount.
'OH! Colin! It true you gets 20% off here?' Cassius asked.
'Yeh blud, your fact is correcto. I also am eligible for a bonus as I have worked here for over six months.' Colin replied.
'Niice one mate.' Enrique said. 'Can you use your discount to get us some paint? Cassius here is re-decorating.'
'Yeh man, whatcha want, we got Dulux, Crown, Living Etc, B&Q; value..' Colin listed.
'Look, a little less conversation a little more action please Colin, I just want some cheap red paint to match my bow tie, do I look like I can afford any of that fancy nonsense?' Cassius said.
'Alright Cassie, keep your wig on.' Colin said.
'OI! I AIN'T NO GIRLY AND ALL THAT. IT'S CASSIUS INNIT. A GOOD STRONG NAME. IT'S ROMAN. AND I DON'T WEAR NO WIG. I'M ALL SPINES AND BOW TIE.' Cassius yelled.
'Cassius means vain or empty.' Enrique piped up.
'PIPE DOWN ENRIQUE. YOUR NAME MEANS IDIOT HEAD.' Cassius shouted.
'Actually it means home-ruler, so put a muffin in it Cassius.' Enrique told him.
'Oh yeh, you can talk abotu muffins. I saw ya, I saw ya with that muffin man, scoffing your face you was. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN ONE OF THEM MUFFINS?'
'Nah.' shrugged Enrique.
'Me neither and unless you want me to find out and ruin your day as WELL as your waistline then I suggest you help me find some paint boyo.' Cassius concluded.
Colin the Toad stood there for a moment bemused, until Cassius yelled 'OH! COLIN! SORT YA LIFE OUT AND SHOW ME THE PAINT!' at which point he hurried off and returned with some colour strips.
'I got warm red, deep red, roasted red, red barn, oriental red, red carpet - that's reduced.' Colin told them.
'I'll reduce you in a minute mate. Just gimme the red carpet one.' Cassius said.
Twenty-five minutes later Cassius and Enrique were back and with headscarfs and overalls on they began to paint Cassius' room. It was looking well good and really matched Cassius' bow tie.
'Red's quite an angry colour thought innit? Do you think that's a good idea? Enrique asked.
'Oh great, cheers Enrique, tell me NOW.'
'Just saying.'
'Well don't. How much paint is there left?'
'None.'
'NONE?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!'
'None.'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!?!?!'
'None.'
'Bummer.'
'What you gonna do Cassius? We've still got one wall left.' Enrique asked
'There's gotta be some left, we bought loads.' Cassius replied
'Maybe we shouldn't have put some in balloons and dropped it on Pam the Weasel's head.' Enrique pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have poured some into Christina the Fox's Bloody Mary.' Cassius said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have written on the walls of the school corridor THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED AGAIN.' Enrique added.
'Maybe we shouldn't have put it on Roland the Magpie's chips.' Cassius admitted.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted moustaches on all the pictures in today's newspapers.' Enrique said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have re-painted the benches in the park without leaving wet paint signs.' Cassius pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted all my white fur red to give me more of an edge.' Enrique added.
'Yeh, you got a point there matey.' Cassius agreed. 'Are you sure that there's none left?'
'Positive.' Enrique told him.
'Lemme just check.' Cassius said and crawled into the paint pot to see what was left.
'CASSIUS NO!!' Enrique exclaimed, but it was too late. Cassius stood up, the paint pot stuck firmly on his head.
'Cassius you muppet.' Enrique said, shaking his head.
'This ain't even funny.' Cassius said, his voice muffled by the paint pot.
'Is a bit though innit. Maybe it's karma for Christina's Bloody Mary.' Enrique suggested.
'SHUT UP BADGER.' Cassius yelled. 'This is NOT a good accessory. I cannot see a thing.' and in his panicked hedgehog state he started running round and round the room, bashing into the walls, the furniture, Enrique, the bowl of pears, the empty bottle of Tango, the washing basket, the stationary cupboard, EVERYTHING. He looked a lot like this poor mite here:
Only much sexier. Because Cassius is a pretty cool dude.
Once Enrique had got Cassius to calm down he took him to see Pam the Weasel to see if she could help, but she wouldn't help because they had thrown paint balloons at her head and she beat the with a lemon squezzer. Next they went to find Christina the Fox, but she wouldn't help because they put paint in her drink and she beat them with a bottle of Vimto. Then they tried Roland the Magpie, but he wouldn't help because they had put paint on his chips and he beat them with a hanger. Finally they tried Marcus the Squirrel but he's well grumpy and beat them with a shoe horn for no good reason other than he hadn't had his coffee that morning because he was trying to restrict his caffeine intake.
Bruised and battered Cassius and Enrique sat down on the park bench to think.
'Just give it one more pull Enrique please, I'm suffocating in here.' Cassius begged.
'So Enrique gave the paint pot one last pull and suddenly it just flew off! Turned out that all that beating had loosened it! So that was good news. Unfortunately the bad news was that they had sat on a bench that they themselves had painted so they both had red bottoms. Much like baboons. FOOLS.
Cassius would like to remind you that hedgehogs are inquisitive and are often attracted by the remaining contents in food rubbish, this can lead to them being found with their heads stuck in tins, yoghurt pots and plastic cups. Always cut the plastic rings of “carry 4 and 6 pack” holders to avoid unnecessary deaths and dispose of rubbish responsibly. If Cassius' mates gets hurt, rest assured that minty hail will be heading your way very soon.
Related Articles:
-
Image Source I can’t believe how cute this is. And yet, it exists: a photo of a pug puppy... Read Full Story » -
This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog was a wee bit bored. Now Cassius ain't usually one of... Read Full Story » -
This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog was feeling well lonely because Enrique had gone to... Read Full Story » -
This one time, right, Cassius and his badger buddy were taking a casual stroll. 'Have you seen... Read Full Story » -
This one time, right, Cassius thought, I well need some more accessories to jazz up my look... Read Full Story »
Comments
