Cassius The Hedgehog and The Pencil Sharpener.
This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog was feeling well lonely because Enrique had gone to visit his brother John in Cornwall. He'd been gone for three days now and Cassius was well missing him. He had no-one to go up Camden or down Brighton with, no-one to eat muffins and cheesecake with and most importantly no-one to drink gin with.
Now don't get me wrong, Cassius ain't no one friend hedgehog, no siree. He'd spent one day with Christina the Fox and they'd had some well good banter down town drinking coffee through a straw, but then Christina insisted on getting the bus to a local fox hunter’s house to do the macarena on his patio and then poop on his lawn. Cassius was not up for that so he walked home. Next day he tried calling Colin the Toad, but he was busy doing overtime at B&Q, so he tried Roland the Magpie but Roland had just got a new paint by numbers book and wasn't willing to share. Finally he tried Pam the Weasel but Pam was researching canaries' capacity for pain. As Cassius has no belief in animal testing whatsoever, and point blank refuses to use Herbal Essences to keep his spines shiny he decided that this was an activity he could not support so he decided to do some colouring in.
Whenever Cassius he is down he just watches this:
and then does some colouring in. No-one can be sad after that combination of activities. Pam the Weasel once said that she well loves doing drawings that make a difference, that heal the world, Cassius is quite glad that she ain't colouring in with him today because all she does is talk a load of rubbish. Luckily Cassius knows that the best way to actually make a difference is to help an old lady across the road, or to choose cruelty-free products, to buy a homeless person lunch, volunteer for charity or send a sick child a card to make them smile.
'OH! PAM! A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION A LITTLE MORE ACTION PLEASE. NO ONE MADE NO CHANGE GASSING ABOUT IT.' Cassius bellowed. 'Jeeeez, what a load of denty bungle.'
Cassius was just about to get started drawing a picture of a jelly baby when shock shock horror horror, he saw that his bestest pencil was blunt as the Cambridge Five. Cassius then realised that he had lent Pam his pencil sharpener when she had blunted her bestest blue pencil, writing about whatever bungle the batty was banging on about the other week and she'd only gone and blooming bunged it down the bog with all her branking.
'Man I well love alliteration.' Cassius thought to himself. 'NO CASSIUS, DON'T CHA GO GETTING DISTRACTED BY NO LITERARY DEVICES NOW. THIS IS SERIOUS.' And he bonked himself on the head with his hole punch to concentrate. 'Bs can be bamboozling. I know I for one am bewildered,' Cassius babbled. So off he bounded to find himself a brilliant pencil sharpener.
First off, he went to see Marcus the Squirrel. Marcus was in a bemusingly bright mood. Marcus invited Cassius in and offered him a bowl of Barcaffe.
'Whatchoo talkin' bout Batty?' Cassius asked
'It's a brand of coffee innit bruv.' Marcus replied. 'Strongest in Slovenia.'
'But we ain't in Slovenia boy, we're in Royal Tunbridge Wells.' Cassius pointed out.
'Care as in I don't(meg), it's brewing already.' Marcus boasted.
'Thought you were trying to bant your caffeine intake blud.' Cassius retorted.
'Gave up, innit, it's a habit that just can't be broken.' Marcus told him. 'I just well love the coffee, it ain't no crime. I like it black and white, with sugar, without, in a mug, in a bowl, in a cup, on a plate, with cream, with chocolate, with caramel, with ice cream, hot, cold, reheated, freshly brewed, boiled, mashed and stuck in a stew. But those last three are potatoes,' he blurted out.
'Blimey buddy, how'd you work that out?' Cassius asked him.
'By making it in every way possibly of course! BEHOLD!' And with that Marcus bashed his door open with a bang to reveal coffee in every bowl, bag, beaker, bin, bottle, box and bucket in his kitchen. 'This one's a frapp, this ones's a caramel cap, this one's a skinny latte, this ones a mocha, this one's black, 2 sugars...'
'OH! MARCUS! YOU IS WELL BATTY IF YOU IS THINKING THAT I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BARMY COFFEE HABIT. BUGGER OFF. I'M OUT OF HERE.' Cassius brushed past Marcus, shaking his head in disgust. 'You need to find yourself a hobby mate, there's no way I can do any colouring in with you, you'd go all out the lines and everything.'
So, befuddled, bedraggled and smelling faintly of coffee, Cassius left. In fact he was so befuddled that he soon lost his way and began to panic. He stumbled through a hedge and bumped into a large piece of wood.
'What the?!' Cassius said.
'Who's that banging about out there like a batty?' A voice asked from behind the wood. Cassius made his way round the edge and found it to be a rectangular frame.
'I ain't no batty, I'm Cassius the Hedgehog, who are you?' A creak made Cassius look up and he saw the wire mesh lid of the frame lift up and a face peer out.
'I'm Joe the Tortoise, and this is what ya call a brilliant clash of reality and imagination.'
'Riiiight, whatever you say bruv. You got a pencil sharpener in there?'
'Course I do mate, how else would I sharpen my pencils for colouring in?' Joe replied.
'Do you well love colouring in?!' Cassius gasped
'I well love colouring in.' Joe told him.
That's bloomin' brillopads!' Cassius beamed, 'can I come in?'
So Cassius bounced up into Joe's run for some colouring themed fun. They drew each other, their favourite accessories, their bestest buds, a bus, a brain, a beetle, a beach, some brogues, a barbie, blueberries and a bowl of coffee. Cassius was well chuffed with them all, even though Joe kept biting his spines, as he happens to have has an unfortunate penchant for biting people's fingers and Cassius' spines were the next best thing.
'You got any cheesecake pal, I'm well hungry', Cassius enquired after an hour of so of drawing delights.
'Sorry mate, it's the modern age innit and I'm on a dairy/gluten exclusion diet.' Joe explained.
'That sucks, do you like gin though?' Cassius asked
'Gin is ace,I happen to be quite a bacchanal. In fact, shall we hit the pub now, I think there's a rugby match on?' Joe suggested. 'Do you think Spoons will mind animals boozing and bombilating in there?'
'Are you kidding? Have you seen their clientèle,they don't even notice the difference when Enrique and me hit the bar', Cassius said
'Sorted then buddy.'
'Well rad.'
'No bagarres or brawls today.'
'No siree.'
So off they went to the pub, to drink gin and admire their beautiful artwork. Cassius was particularly proud with his picture of his bestest badger bud.
'That's my bestest badger bud, Enrique' Cassius told Joe. 'I well miss him, he loves gin and colouring in too. Bit of a balatron, but hey, aren't we all?'
'Yeh batty, you defos are.' Joe said, 'you ever drunk coffee through a straw?'
'Of course, straws are the bomb,' Cassius replied.
'I like you buddy.' Joe told him
'I like you too.
'Not in a gay way.'
'Not in a a gay way.'
'Just like two blokes, watching the rugby, colouring in and drinking gin.'
'Just like that.'
'Just like that.'
'Bazinga.'
'How would you feel about doing a bossa-nova?'
'Better if someone explained what's going on with all the 'b's today.'
'Yeh me too.'
Cassius reckons you should all visit http://www.postpals.co.uk/ and do something simple to brighten someone's day.
Or not, he ain't bossing you about or nuffin.
Now don't get me wrong, Cassius ain't no one friend hedgehog, no siree. He'd spent one day with Christina the Fox and they'd had some well good banter down town drinking coffee through a straw, but then Christina insisted on getting the bus to a local fox hunter’s house to do the macarena on his patio and then poop on his lawn. Cassius was not up for that so he walked home. Next day he tried calling Colin the Toad, but he was busy doing overtime at B&Q, so he tried Roland the Magpie but Roland had just got a new paint by numbers book and wasn't willing to share. Finally he tried Pam the Weasel but Pam was researching canaries' capacity for pain. As Cassius has no belief in animal testing whatsoever, and point blank refuses to use Herbal Essences to keep his spines shiny he decided that this was an activity he could not support so he decided to do some colouring in.
Whenever Cassius he is down he just watches this:
and then does some colouring in. No-one can be sad after that combination of activities. Pam the Weasel once said that she well loves doing drawings that make a difference, that heal the world, Cassius is quite glad that she ain't colouring in with him today because all she does is talk a load of rubbish. Luckily Cassius knows that the best way to actually make a difference is to help an old lady across the road, or to choose cruelty-free products, to buy a homeless person lunch, volunteer for charity or send a sick child a card to make them smile.
'OH! PAM! A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION A LITTLE MORE ACTION PLEASE. NO ONE MADE NO CHANGE GASSING ABOUT IT.' Cassius bellowed. 'Jeeeez, what a load of denty bungle.'
Cassius was just about to get started drawing a picture of a jelly baby when shock shock horror horror, he saw that his bestest pencil was blunt as the Cambridge Five. Cassius then realised that he had lent Pam his pencil sharpener when she had blunted her bestest blue pencil, writing about whatever bungle the batty was banging on about the other week and she'd only gone and blooming bunged it down the bog with all her branking.
'Man I well love alliteration.' Cassius thought to himself. 'NO CASSIUS, DON'T CHA GO GETTING DISTRACTED BY NO LITERARY DEVICES NOW. THIS IS SERIOUS.' And he bonked himself on the head with his hole punch to concentrate. 'Bs can be bamboozling. I know I for one am bewildered,' Cassius babbled. So off he bounded to find himself a brilliant pencil sharpener.
First off, he went to see Marcus the Squirrel. Marcus was in a bemusingly bright mood. Marcus invited Cassius in and offered him a bowl of Barcaffe.
'Whatchoo talkin' bout Batty?' Cassius asked
'It's a brand of coffee innit bruv.' Marcus replied. 'Strongest in Slovenia.'
'But we ain't in Slovenia boy, we're in Royal Tunbridge Wells.' Cassius pointed out.
'Care as in I don't(meg), it's brewing already.' Marcus boasted.
'Thought you were trying to bant your caffeine intake blud.' Cassius retorted.
'Gave up, innit, it's a habit that just can't be broken.' Marcus told him. 'I just well love the coffee, it ain't no crime. I like it black and white, with sugar, without, in a mug, in a bowl, in a cup, on a plate, with cream, with chocolate, with caramel, with ice cream, hot, cold, reheated, freshly brewed, boiled, mashed and stuck in a stew. But those last three are potatoes,' he blurted out.
'Blimey buddy, how'd you work that out?' Cassius asked him.
'By making it in every way possibly of course! BEHOLD!' And with that Marcus bashed his door open with a bang to reveal coffee in every bowl, bag, beaker, bin, bottle, box and bucket in his kitchen. 'This one's a frapp, this ones's a caramel cap, this one's a skinny latte, this ones a mocha, this one's black, 2 sugars...'
'OH! MARCUS! YOU IS WELL BATTY IF YOU IS THINKING THAT I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BARMY COFFEE HABIT. BUGGER OFF. I'M OUT OF HERE.' Cassius brushed past Marcus, shaking his head in disgust. 'You need to find yourself a hobby mate, there's no way I can do any colouring in with you, you'd go all out the lines and everything.'
So, befuddled, bedraggled and smelling faintly of coffee, Cassius left. In fact he was so befuddled that he soon lost his way and began to panic. He stumbled through a hedge and bumped into a large piece of wood.
'What the?!' Cassius said.
'Who's that banging about out there like a batty?' A voice asked from behind the wood. Cassius made his way round the edge and found it to be a rectangular frame.
'I ain't no batty, I'm Cassius the Hedgehog, who are you?' A creak made Cassius look up and he saw the wire mesh lid of the frame lift up and a face peer out.
'I'm Joe the Tortoise, and this is what ya call a brilliant clash of reality and imagination.'
'Riiiight, whatever you say bruv. You got a pencil sharpener in there?'
'Course I do mate, how else would I sharpen my pencils for colouring in?' Joe replied.
'Do you well love colouring in?!' Cassius gasped
'I well love colouring in.' Joe told him.
That's bloomin' brillopads!' Cassius beamed, 'can I come in?'
So Cassius bounced up into Joe's run for some colouring themed fun. They drew each other, their favourite accessories, their bestest buds, a bus, a brain, a beetle, a beach, some brogues, a barbie, blueberries and a bowl of coffee. Cassius was well chuffed with them all, even though Joe kept biting his spines, as he happens to have has an unfortunate penchant for biting people's fingers and Cassius' spines were the next best thing.
'You got any cheesecake pal, I'm well hungry', Cassius enquired after an hour of so of drawing delights.
'Sorry mate, it's the modern age innit and I'm on a dairy/gluten exclusion diet.' Joe explained.
'That sucks, do you like gin though?' Cassius asked
'Gin is ace,I happen to be quite a bacchanal. In fact, shall we hit the pub now, I think there's a rugby match on?' Joe suggested. 'Do you think Spoons will mind animals boozing and bombilating in there?'
'Are you kidding? Have you seen their clientèle,they don't even notice the difference when Enrique and me hit the bar', Cassius said
'Sorted then buddy.'
'Well rad.'
'No bagarres or brawls today.'
'No siree.'
So off they went to the pub, to drink gin and admire their beautiful artwork. Cassius was particularly proud with his picture of his bestest badger bud.
'That's my bestest badger bud, Enrique' Cassius told Joe. 'I well miss him, he loves gin and colouring in too. Bit of a balatron, but hey, aren't we all?'
'Yeh batty, you defos are.' Joe said, 'you ever drunk coffee through a straw?'
'Of course, straws are the bomb,' Cassius replied.
'I like you buddy.' Joe told him
'I like you too.
'Not in a gay way.'
'Not in a a gay way.'
'Just like two blokes, watching the rugby, colouring in and drinking gin.'
'Just like that.'
'Just like that.'
'Bazinga.'
'How would you feel about doing a bossa-nova?'
'Better if someone explained what's going on with all the 'b's today.'
'Yeh me too.'
Cassius reckons you should all visit http://www.postpals.co.uk/ and do something simple to brighten someone's day.
Or not, he ain't bossing you about or nuffin.
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