BarelyPolitical

New York State Assemblyman Adriano Espaillat has perfected the art of campaign fraud. In an effort to give back to his community, he contacted the Puerto Rican Guy and shared some of his basic techniques.  We didn’t know Espaillat was this cynical, but here are his tips:  Boil the Reporter. Protest the abuse of seniors at a corrupt Senior Center during a telecast of Betty La Fea. The seniors will throw boiling water out the window, which will scald the reporter. Instant news.  Strangled by...Read Full Story

Visit Twittley.com to read more about .     Chubby Cheeks Financial Disclosure Statement   NEW YORK, NY  -  In the Washington Heights section of New York City, a man named Chubby Cheeks is rapidly becoming a legend.  He has developed an extraordinary skill, which has turned him into a hero.  Here is Chubby Cheeks displaying his talent…      Mr. Cheeks considers himself a role model for our urban youth. That’s why he’s running for U.S. Congress, against Cong. Charles Rangel. “We are fed up...Read Full Story

GLEASON’S GYM  – The Puerto Rican Guy will fight disgraced ex-senator Hiram Monserrate in a three-round boxing match for charity. Monserrate was expelled from the New York State Senate after he slashed his girlfriend’s face with a drinking glass, and left her with 40 stitches on her face. According to Monserrate, the fight will be a fund-raising effort for autistic children. According to Leo, it is an opportunity to kick some politician ass. Hiram in training Leo has been in training for the...Read Full Story

MAMARONECK, NY  – New York State Senator Pedro Espada Jr. is under investigation for stealing $14 million from the  Soundview Health Center in the South Bronx. Particularly distressing is $20,000 in sushi which was charged to the Health Center, and delivered over 200 times to Espada’s house in Mamaroneck. Caught eating sushi Espada denies living in Mamaroneck or eating any sushi over the past ten years.  The evidence suggests otherwise, with Espada’s name appearing on all the sushi receipts...Read Full Story

ALBANY, NY  – Unable to agree on a budget, the New York State Legislature may decide to shut down the entire state government this week. This will be the first government shutdown in the history of New York State and will mean a suspension of unemployment benefits, food stamps, welfare and state payments, and the closure of the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), state parks, and other public offices. According to Governor David Paterson, “there is nothing to worry about. We are sending...Read Full Story

Leo Announces Ice Cream for Everyone, Free Delicious Ice cream, and Also There is an Ebola Outbreak   WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC  – One week ago, opened a Benihana Leo restaurant opened in Washington Heights. Things were going great, and Leo became inspired to give Puerto Rican pistachio ice cream to everyone. The ice cream was delicious, and best of all, it was free! But a few problems have emerged. On Monday June 28, the Center for Disease Control forced Leo to recall all his ice cream, due...Read Full Story

Visit Twittley.com to read more about .       BAGHDAD, IRAQ – The Puerto Rican guy has become a national hero in Santo Domingo.  During a press conference at San Pedro de Macoris, the Puerto Rican threw both of his shoes at ex-President George Bush. Leo throws his shoes But this was not enough.  During his follow-up question, Leo removed his false teeth and flung them at the former President.  Then he yelled “Cuba Libre!” and hurled a glass of Don Q Puerto Rican rum. Rum and Poli-grip...Read Full Story

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Politics is an extremely greasy pole in New York City. But some politicians are reaching a new low in Washington Heights, in a frantic bid to save their political careers. With a 22% job approval rating, Assemblyman Adriano Espaillat has become desperate and is using an unprecedented tactic. Espaillat is running all over his district, registering dead people into the Democratic party. Espaillat sees dead people…then registers them to vote It is unclear how these...Read Full Story

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Leo Machuchal’s campaign was going great. He was all set to become the next State Assemblyman from Washington Heights. And then the accusations began. “He’s a bootlegger!” screamed his opponent Adriano Espaillat. “He’s buying votes with his rum!” As proof, Espaillat whipped a label out of his pocket, with Leo’s photo on it: This all came as a shock to Leo, who denies any association with Don Q, and has not had a drink in 16 years.  “Somebody’s doing something slick...Read Full Story

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY  – A revolutionary new politics is emerging in uptown Manhattan. To avoid the anti-incumbent fever that is sweeping America, incumbents have started to dress up in circus costumes. In front of his office at 210 Sherman Avenue, Assemblyman Adriano Espaillat entertained the voters with his merengue version of Brother Can You Spare a Dime? But as usual, the monkey stole the show. Guillermo Linares in his little monkey suit, with his little tin cup, collected over $5,438...Read Full Story