Recession? What Recession?

Recession? What Recession?

Damas y Caballeros, we are in a recession.

I have seen the signs.

You know you’re in a recession when:

• You put your family on eBay
• You brag about your new Apple, then go home and eat it
• Your Smart Car is so smart it has left you, moved to Cambodia, and opened a bra factory
• The census taker rolls a quarter down your block, and counts half the neighborhood
• Your hostess gift is actually made by Hostess

• Your knobby knees are the only heirlooms you have left
• You take the penny out of your loafers
• You use your food stamps to buy food
• You develop a taste, and a varied menu, for government cheese
• Your bus to the Hamptons leaves from Chinatown

• Your weekend home looks remarkably like your weekday home…which looks like your

parents’ home

• You bought your home with a sub-prime loan

• You’re using credit cards to meet your mortgage payments

• Your “economic stimulus check” stimulates only your resentment

• You give up, and switch from single malt scotch to single Malt Liquor

If any of this sound familiar, I suggest you vote for me.

As President Cojones, I will not scare you about evil-doers then steal your money.

I will not declare an Orange Alert in order to raise the price of gasoline.

I will not pee on your leg and tell you it’s raining.

Puerto Rican Guy.