New York State Assemblyman Adriano Espaillat has perfected the art of campaign fraud. In an effort to give back to his community, he contacted the Puerto Rican Guy and shared some of his basic techniques. 

We didn’t know Espaillat was this cynical, but here are his tips: 

Boil the Reporter.

Protest the abuse of seniors at a corrupt Senior Center during a telecast of Betty La Fea.

The seniors will throw boiling water out the window, which will scald the reporter.

Instant news. 

Strangled by the Femme Fatale.

Accuse the incumbent of womanizing – loudly, through a bullhorn, and in front of his district office.

The incumbent’s mistress will storm out of her no-show job and strangle you.

Instant news. 

Vote for aarrrgg

Election Day Lockout.

The night before the election, put Krazy Glue in all your locks.

A few hours later call the ACLU, the Justice Department and the press, to denounce these violations of the Voting Rights Act. 

Trick or Treat.

On Halloween in big cities, the big kids mug everyone at sunset.

So stick $5 in your pocket, get mugged, call the cops, and watch them arrest half the neighborhood.

The next day you’re in heavy rotation on New York 1. 

Bus Blowout.

Punch holes in the tires of your campaign bus, during rush hour in a downtown intersection.

When the cops and media arrive, blame your opponent.

The Muslims did it!

Pee on Your Posters.

Get your volunteers drunk, then have them urinate on all your posters.

When every dog in the district starts peeing on your posters, blame your opponent.

Summertime, and the Living is Easy

Fire your Volunteers

Who needs them anyway?

All they do is get drunk, and pee on your posters.

Just kick them out of your office and campaign by yourself.

Get Stabbed Defending Your Posters

This one is self-explanatory.

Puerto Rican Guy

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 25th, 2010 at 8:58 AM and is filed under Campaign 2009. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.