Being Ron Lyre

DADDY'S CALLING FADE IN: 1 EXT. DAY. It’s hot. We open on a pile of dog shit that’s covered by a horde of buzzing flies. There’s no sound except the flies and somewhere in the background the squeak of a faulty windscreen wiper. We PULL BACK to reveal... 2 EXT-A ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS-DAY A battered Ford is parked on the side of the deserted road. We watch for a moment or two as its faulty wiper wipes a dusty windscreen. 3 INT-THE FORD-DAY The DRIVER, a man who seems tired and worn... Read Full Story

Just back from a few days in Cornwall and I have to say a nice rest. The weather was awful, everyday a total and absolute washout except Friday when it was almost sunny but hey, this is the UK. See some more of my holiday photos at the Strumpet Supplement. Anyway, I’d barely been back in the country an hour or two when I discovered a swingeing attack on my good self from a Mr Frank Bennett, his venom reproduced below in case you missed it in the comments section of The Strumpet… ‘Without... Read Full Story

Saturday: In the early hours of Friday evening and in an unexpected display of smoke, sparks and clouds of rust, it is with some distress that I have to report that Ron Lyre our much-loved CEO and Editor) ground to a spectacular halt. (Writes Humphrey O'nions) Halfway through a speech designed to lift the moral of his loyal band of followers, Mr Lyre's assistants and bodyguards noted with some horror and consternation that RL'S realistic ginger wig had begun to spin of its own accord. As... Read Full Story

In earlier days I was, believe it or not, a frequent churchgoer. As a young child and in the company of the nervous Irish woman who was charged to watch over me while my mother was away working, I made regular, if reluctant pilgrimages to the cold stone edifice known as St. Mary’s that stood like Dracula’s castle down by the docks. Unfortunately, whatever it is that you’re supposed to get from regular religion never rubbed off on me. I was an ungrateful, bitter child who must have tested... Read Full Story

1. I haven’t cleaned up the kitchen/oven/surfaces after cooking (I actually have but not to her high standards). 2. I shouldn’t have had chips for dinner (French fries). 3. The kitchen smells of er…cooking (?) 4. The whole house smells of cooking. 5. I haven’t done the ironing. 6. I haven’t re-potted the plants she asked me to re-pot about two weeks ago. 7. The bottom of my shoes are muddy and have left marks on the carpet. 8. The lounge area floor has unread newspapers strewn all over... Read Full Story