A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John

If you thought Wick was the only one, you're way off.

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
Summit

Ah, Keanu, you never change. The looks, the voice, the character names, they've stayed relatively similar all these years. Consider: Keanu Charles Reeves started acting in 1984. He's been around for almost 33 years now and he's still fighting bad guys and throwing one-liners like WHAT? The ladies will tell you Keanu is ageless, but he's not, right? Even though he basically looks like he did at 25 now at age 52. The Canadian-American actor who was born in Beirut and boasts Native American and Chinese ancestry is still one of the most popular celebs out there. 

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John

Keanu is so popular, in fact, his every snack-eating move morphs into memes. Key and Peele named their cat after him and made a movie around it. That movie, Keanu, was an ode to John Wick, of course. Yes, John Wick, Reeves' latest box office success story. They killed his puppy dog, and now he's gonna kill them. Genius. Who wouldn't want to kill the worthless sack who murdered THIS pupper:

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
Summit

You bastard, Theon Greyjoy. Dude, killing a puppy has got to be the worst thing you can do. How this wasn't a plot line in an action movie before is beyond me. What a perfect excuse to send a nutjob like John Wick on a carte blanche killing rampage.

This week, the John Wick sequel opens and it'll mark the ninth time Keanu has played a character named John (if you count the Wick movies twice). That's a lot of Johns. Let's rank 'em.

8. Jonathan Harker - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

Some actors simply weren't meant for period drama or British accents and Keanu is one of them. His valley girl brogue comes through a little too much in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula adaptation. One critic said of the performance, "You can visibly see Keanu attempting not to end every one of his lines with 'dude'." Too bad he didn't, Harker would be ranked higher.

7. John Wall - Generation Um... (2013)

Unfortunately, this isn't a biopic of the Washington Wizards point guard. It's much less exciting. Currently boasting a whopping zero percent on Rotten Tomatoes, the terribly-titled Generation Um... stars Keanu as a John who steals a video camera from a birthday party so he and his hooker girlfriend can hang out and make home movies. This is not a John performance to be proud of, but it's still better than what he does in Dracula

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
Voltage

6. Don John - Much Ado About Nothing (1993)

This is actually a pretty good Shakespeare adaptation with an all-star cast. Keanu plays Don John, a villainous supporting role that sees him conspiring to ruin lives and stop a wedding. It's a worthy John role, but just not as good as the ones coming up. It's fun to watch Keanu be snooty and evil.

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
The Samuel Goldwyn Company

5. John Rain - Rain (2017)

Rain isn't out yet, but Reeves will play an assassin who makes his kills seem like accidents so HELL YEAH. It's gotta be better than Generation Whatever and that Shakespeare movie. Obviously capitalizing on the success of John Wick, Reeves is looking to play ANOTHER assassin named John. And his last name is Rain! Hilarious! This one only isn't ranked higher because no one's seen it and it may never happen. It could easily rise in the rankings. Unreal that he's playing another two syllable badass named John. Unreal.

Disclaimer: Image of Keanu in the rain is not actually from Rain. It's from The Matrix Revolutions. We just thought it was a cool rain-related photo. (Warner Brothers)
Disclaimer: Image of Keanu in the rain is not actually from Rain. It's from The Matrix Revolutions. We just thought it was a cool rain-related photo. (Warner Brothers)

4. Johnny Mnemonic - Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

In the year 2011, the singularity is upon us, kind of, and Keanu plays a "mnemonic courier," which means he's got a hard drive in his head (160 gigs!) and he gets in trouble when he downloads some very important stuff. Flattop Keanu rules in this movie, even though it basically sucks. There's a dolphin that plays a big role, which is weird, and Keanu is told he has to hack his own brain at one point. Pretty sweet.

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
TriStar

3. John Constantine - Constantine (2005)

Now we get into Keanu's best John roles. Constantine came out two years after the Matrix trilogy ended so everyone wanted him to do more action. Based on DC Comics' Hellblazer, the movie takes place in a world where God and Lucifer battle for the souls of humans on Earth. Keanu is caught in the middle as an exorcist who's been to Hell and can see the angels and demons on both sides of the battle. This movie is simultaneously fantastic and terrible with a lot of silly moments that are supposed to be EPIC. Some are, and Keanu plays it all perfectly. 

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
Warner Brothers

2. Johnny Utah - Point Break (1991)

There are really only two John roles that count for Keanu fans. Johnny Utah was Reeves' FIRST role as a John and it was a beautiful one. Johnny Utah is a former star college quarterback (didn't you know guys named after states are great QBs?) who gets injured and joins the FBI. The role was perfect for Keanu's stoned surfer voice because he gets to play a surfer too! It's the ultimate Keanu role. Most importantly, he proved he could fight in this movie and, seriously, it made him a star. 

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
Fox

1. John Wick - John Wick (2015) & John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)

There's no John more badass than John Wick... Well, maybe John Matrix in Commando, or John Carter, or John Anderton in Minority Report, or John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop, he was cool. Then there was, whoops, John McClane in Die Hard, can't forget about him. And I forgot Rambo's first name was John. He's a big one. And let's not forget Little John of Robin Hood fame or John Conner who fought the Terminators. Okay, so there are a shitload of Johns to choose from...

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John

John Wick may not be the all-time best John, but he's pretty damn good. Brought out of hitman retirement after cocky Theon Greyjoy kills his new puppy, John Wick proceeds to obliterate over 70 people in full metal jacketed retribution. Then, he goes after more in the sequel. John Wick is your 2017 Best Keanu Reeves John Character winner. See you next year.

A Definitive Ranking of All Keanu Reeves' Characters Named John
Summit
Senior Editor at Zimbio. I'll take Johnny Clay, the Rev. Harry Powell, and Annie Savoy. You can have the rest.
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