The guy with the tic is probably going to send me to Hell

There’s a guy at church with a verbal tic and he sits in the same area that we do. Now before I go any further I have to admit I really do feel conflicted about this.

Morally I feel really judgmental and terrible for being so annoyed. At church no less.

Socially I wonder whose responsibility it is to adjust his or her behavior.

So back to this guy. Roughly two months ago we were sitting up front in the pew settling in for the show. After the priest greeted us and we sat down to listen to the first reading I heard a “Tsk, tsk, tsk.”

It’s really difficult to describe the noise he makes. The only way I can recreate it is to clench my teeth and force my tongue against the back of my front teeth while blowing air out of my mouth. Yes, it’s a clumsy explanation, but if you can do that, you can hear what I’m hearing on Sunday morning.

The first time my kid heard that she immediately turned around to stare at whoever was making the noise. Then she looked at me with furrowed brows and whispered in my ear, “What’s that noise?”

I told her I thought it was a noise that someone could not control. I also told her it was not polite to stare and that she should keep her eyes on the altar because it would make that person uncomfortable.

I really do feel that way and I truly focus on the priest during Mass. But I hear the “Tsk, tsk, tsk” all throughout the service. I have to believe this is some version of Tourette’s.

It happens repeatedly during the hour, roughly every five minutes. The first four or five outbursts consist of two to four noises and then the next time there are between eight and ten “Tsk, tsks.” That makes me think that he is trying to control it by only making a few sounds, it builds up and then he has to release a bunch of noises. Then we go back to the same cycle.

I’m not positive who it is, but I know it’s one of two older men who actually sit four people apart in the same pew or one in front of the other. One guy looks like he’s in his 80s. He’s sort of stooped over, he has white hair and he usually wears a yellow button up sweater. He’s Yellow Cardigan.

The other guy looks like he’s mid-60s and he has a full head of salt and pepper hair — more pepper than salt. I call him Salt and Pepper and he is not to be confused with the hip hop band Salt-N-Pepa.

They’re both really friendly and genial and I happily shake their hands during the Sign of Peace. They both give me a solid handshake, eye contact and a sincere smile. I appreciate that and reply in kind.

Yesterday I was certain it was Yellow Cardigan. He was there alone when I walked in and sat down three pews ahead of him. I’ve been trying to discreetly figure out who it was for the last two months, so I felt some sense of closure.

As per usual, I kept my eyes straight ahead and felt bad for that guy since he obviously cannot control it and yet he still wants to practice his faith. I also felt judgmental. What if I had that issue and I still wanted to go to church?

So perhaps ten minutes into the hour I had a chance to casually glance around so my eyes could sweep behind me. I thought I might catch him in the act just to verify it was Yellow Cardigan.

And that is when I Salt and Pepper. Damnation! They were sitting in the same pew two rows behind me. One on my left and one on my right. I’m pretty sure the noise was coming from behind me on the right side which would mean it’s actually Salt and Pepper.

So Mass started and I tried to focus but that noise kept happening, dammit. Halfway through the service I really wanted to turn around and scream, “SHUT UP!!” And then I really felt like I was going straight to hell for not being tolerant and patient.

That’s when I started to wonder whose responsibility it was to change the environment. I know I cannot change another person’s behavior so that leaves me with two choices.

Door Number One: I can continue to sit in the same spot knowing I’m going to be serenaded by Yellow Cardigan or Salt and Pepper. Gah! I really want to know exactly who is making that noise.

Door Number Two: I can sit somewhere else, somewhere farther away so I don’t have to listen to the noise.

But I still wonder, what’s that guy’s responsibility? If that were me, I’d really feel self conscious and I would sit way in the back. There are many people at Mass who turn their heads to find out where the noise is coming from.

Since he sits up front I wonder if this has become his standard of living. Does he care? Is he so used to making that noise that he’s not even aware of it? Does Medicaid cover Haldol?

And lastly, I know God would welcome that dude with open arms and He would totally ignore the tic. It just wouldn’t bother Him.

So I am left hoping that God will have mercy and He will tolerate my Converse low tops and the sarcastic black cloud that continually hangs over my head.