When You Screw Up, Own Up
Monday, Tom over at Delightful Work wrote about Screw-ups, Fresh Starts & Comebacks. Reading it, I was reminded of the egg I’ve worn on my face so many times, and how, thankfully, I have learned how to do as he recommends and give myself a break. “Progress, not perfection” is my mantra these days.
This doesn’t mean you abdicate responsibility for yourself - not by a long shot. But I submit that you can be responsible for yourself, hold yourself accountable for your thoughts, words and deeds - all without beating yourself up when you screw up.
The best way I know to achieve this distinction is to accept the fact that you’ll probably always make mistakes. Last time I checked, none of us were perfect, so it’s very likely to happen. But when it happens, own up to your mistakes - to yourself, first, and then to any others involved - as soon as possible. Apologize. And make the apology count by changing whatever it was that caused the mistake in the first place, so it’s less likely to happen again. In other words, learn from the mistake.
I remember the first time I didn’t immediately go on the defensive when someone confronted me about a mistake I had made. My heart was pounding, but they had me dead to rights - arm all the way up to the elbow in the cookie jar - I had messed up. They knew it, I knew it - so, I surprised myself (and them) by simply saying, “You know what? You’re right. I messed up. I’m sorry. I’ll do my best not to do that again.”
What a feeling of empowerment! Wow! My self-respect shot up, I gained a new level of respect in their eyes, and that ‘fight or flight’ instinct that made my heart pound was gone in an instant. All this in the brief moment before my apology was accepted, no less. I realized in that moment that I’d learned how to stop adding to the emotional baggage I was dragging around in life. There was nothing left about this particular mistake to beat myself up over. It was over and done with - a part of the past now.
So, yesterday, when a close friend called telling me she needed to talk, that she was afraid she’d screwed up big time, I was ready not only to listen, but to pass on the gift of this lesson I’d learned, along with the assurance that very few of the mistakes we make in life are truly irreparable, no matter how big and bad they appear to be.
She had let her anger at someone else get the best of her, and let her mouth overload her…hind parts, shall we say…and ended up coming undone at someone she cared very much about who was caught in the middle. She was feeling really bad about it, afraid she’d done permanent damage to the relationship. She had tried to call, but her calls were going unanswered.
We talked about how getting a message through some other way might be the answer. I asked her if she had forgiven herself, first, and she said she had. She realized what had happened and why, and that to have any peace going forward, she’d have to take action. She was afraid of rejection, but knew that she would just continue to beat herself up over it if she didn’t at least try. So she sent an email with a heartfelt, written apology. Lo, and behold, she got a message back, accepting her apology. Today she called me and I could hear the relief and joy in her voice. She said she’d gotten the same reaction of surprise and elevated respect from the other person for having taken that step forward that I had told her had happened to me. And she said a little sheepishly, “You know, it wasn’t actually as hard as I had made it out to be in my mind. I’m really glad I did it.”
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