Adam Lambert’s Time For Miracles Birthed Straight From Celine Dion’s Womb

Yesterday, Adam Lambert’s new single, “Time For Miracles”, hit the internet, to the satisfaction of his legions of crazed fans. But how did it sound? How can one person accurately describe a single so many people have been waiting for for so long?

It was like Celine Dion pushing Steve Tyler out of her birth canal. And it continues the American Idol tradition of giving people who win the show incredibly boring songs to sing over, in the hope that people will not notice, and buy anyway. Basically, it’s verse, chorus, verse, bridge, SUPER OVERBLOWN CHORUS WITH SCREAMING. To the epic tune of buildings falling over. Apparently, Rolland Emmerich wants to recreate every nuance of Armageddon. The movie, not the event. Although we may be fast approaching the event.

For cripes sake, people have been making fun of Bob Dylan’s Christmas album for the last two weeks, but the man knew you didn’t need a super-polished voice complete with legions of strings in the background to move people emotionally. All you need are words that resonate and a beat-up guitar. Not comparing Adam Lambert to Bob Dylan, but it looks like he’ll be in a long line of pop stars with really pretty voices that also manage to be really boring.

We’re looking at you, Celine Dion.