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Chris Brown unveils “Cool Cruel Meat-Abusing Tool”

By Duotone on | From thedailyrake.com

Brown displays "Cool Cruel Meat-Abusing Tool"

LOS ANGELES - In the wake of the highly publicized Rihanna debacle, R&B singer-songwriter Chris Brown today unveiled the “Cool Cruel Meat-Abusing Tool,” a familiar looking cooking device which claims to “rough-up the toughest cut.” The “Tool” is described as “the most efficient way to grill any unbattered burger, steak, chicken, sausage, fish, shrimp, or vegetable.” Each unit features a thermostat-controlled cooking surface that goes into an automatic “time-out” mode when it overheats as well as a patented splatter-proof drip tray. In addition, buyers are being offered a bonus “T-Pain Steak” with every Tool purchased.

A spokesperson for Brown revealed that the Tool is in no way associated with a strikingly similar product or its popular promoter. “This has been in the works for some time, actually. Chris’s healthy diet and lifestyle is modeled after Gene Simmons of KISS, KISS being one of his favorite rock groups,” explained the spokesperson. “Chris is a dreamer so when he expressed interest in going forward with this business there was no doubt he could run it and run it successfully with you, his fans, forever behind him.”

Popular shopping networks QVC and HSN have reportedly declined Brown’s request to promote and carry the product forcing Brown to look to other, less conventional means of distribution, namely, Ebay and Craigslist. Currently the Tool is being sold for any reasonable offer though the price of future releases of the Tool still remains unclear. Rihanna declined comment on the Tool.