Building Boundaries

I used to spend a lot of energy, physical and mental, trying to do what everyone else wanted. I learned at an early age that you have to keep other people happy so that they will be nice to you, or at least would not be mean. One problem with this practice is that we often have a mistaken idea of what others want. We may do what we think someone wants only to be dismayed by their reaction when it doesn’t make them happy. When I used to live this way, I was constantly frustrated.

Another problem I discovered with this practice was that I was always sacrificing what was important to me for the sake of making someone else happy. The other person might be happy with me, but I was miserable. Resentment soon followed.

I know now that I cannot make someone else happy. Happiness is an inside job. We each are responsible for our own. I have also learned that if I sacrifice everything that makes me happy, then I have nothing to contribute to a relationship. It is important to compromise and strive to get along with the people in my life, but I have to honor myself as well.

An essential part of being yourself is setting boundaries. Respect yourself enough to let other people know how to treat you. If you do not establish your boundaries, some people will push inward until they meet resistance. When you let others know what you are comfortable with and what you will not accept, most of the time they respect it. This practice will put an end to feeling as if people are imposing on you or violating your personal space. You also need to say no when you really do not want to do something. Many times, people say yes to something they do not want to do because they feel obligated in some way or do not want to make the other person angry. Then they do what they do not want to do, with resentment. The “Doormat” syndrome is a result of frequently doing what other people want when it is not what you want.

As you set your boundaries, remember to respect the boundaries of others. Allow people to be who and where they are. A great deal of frustration, resentment, and conflict can be avoided by not expecting other people to be and do as you think they should. Most of our expectations of others are unspoken. That means the other person does not really know what we expect of them. How fair is it of us then to demand they live up to our expectations? Each person is living their own life. Each is exactly where they are in their development and understanding. Honor them enough to let them be there. Offering help and guidance is fine, but be careful not to fall into the trap of expecting someone to react they way you want them to. I do not want other people expecting me to be like them so I have no right to do that to them. As I honor myself, I must honor others. There is a great deal less stress and conflict in my relationships since I have put this concept into practice. People appreciate having the freedom to be themselves. I know I do.

Honor yourself with clear boundaries.
Jstone