Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

After putting thousands of people out of work, and costing farmers and distributors hundreds of millions of dollars, the Big Tomato Scare of 2008 is over.

While the plaintiff's lawyers are disappointed, Lou Dobbs, the angriest dipshit on national TV, has to be the most forlorn.

Dobbs became so outraged he called for impeachment of the president:

"You know, I have heard a lot of reasons over the years as to why George W. Bush should be impeached. For them to leave the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in this state, its leadership in this sorry condition and to have no capacity apparently or will to protect the American consumer - that is alone to me sufficient reason to impeach a president who has made this agency possible and has ripped its guts out in its ability to protect the American consumer. It's insane what is going on here."

Of course, Lou was always pretty sure the contaminated vegetables came from Mexico---as every other ill of the nation does.

However the savior of the middle class has been partially vindicated-- they're now saying it may be the jalapeño that is the indigestion villain, with possible origins south of the border.

Mobilize the troops.

The Tomato 411 started when a few people had digestive disorders. A lot of those people reported they had dishes with tomatoes in them.

Since there are not enough problems in the world, lets freak out about tomatoes.

It couldn't have been caused by the waitress who is picking her nose. And how could the busboy who washes his hands at least every other week be responsible? The ice machine that hasn't been cleaned since the the turn of the century—you gotta be kidding?

It sure couldn't be the menu, that has been handled by every germ infested customer that has been in the joint since the Reagan administration. A lunch of three alarm chili, washed down with three tequilas, has never been known to cause a tummy ache.

Nope it's tomatoes. And by god if the president and federal government don't do something about this rash of upset stomachs, throw the bastards out, and then shoot the Mexicans.

One of the biggest problems in America is that a whole lot of people are big babies, and demand that the federal government protect them from every unpleasantness the world has to offer.

So we get intrepid truth warriors like Lou Dobbs, who make millions playing the heart strings of Fear Nation, demanding that the federal government's investigative powers get beefed up, a segment of the economy be destroyed, and we go to war with Mexico.

But after putting half the tomato growers out of business, Lou Dobbs and the Nanny State now turn their attention to the Jalapeño.....

Making America safe for crybabies and deranged TV personalities.