Dane Cook Quotes

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat - unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel...balls are empty.