Darth Vader to the Rescue

This morning, I learned something new. Shocking that this type of education could come into my life before 9 am, but it is true.

The CTA bus drivers have a small screen above their heads, within arm's reach, that displays several options for the pre-recorded public service announcements. They can actually CHOOSE which messages they want to cycle up next, and which ones they feel that this busload of people doesn't need to hear.

This isn't that big of news unless you consider the implications and the historical references to these pre-recorded messages in the past. First, there was this girl who talked on her phone so loudly and the "ironic" timing of the message about how that type of behavior should be avoided while on the bus. Or there was the time the bus kept stalling on Michigan Avenue and the announcement about where to direct your compliments or complaints about CTA service was also "ironically" timed. Who knows, maybe it was all in the hands of the bus driver?

Kindof changes my point of view on these announcements. And, makes me wonder...

Wouldn't it be nice to have an omnipresent, omniscient voice to follow you around and say the things that you wish you could say without being a total jerk? In that pre-recorded, banal voice?

I suspect they'd start out professional and public service-y, and end up getting nasty, cutthroat and personal.

Here are a few that MY personal public service announcement recorder would play:

• Please don't stand so close to the person in front of you when in line at the grocery store, a bar, the bus stop or anywhere else where people congregate. It is annoying for you to be up in my business, breathing on my neck.


• Please don't walk in large groups across while going down the sidewalk on Michigan Avenue. While we appreciate that you all want to experience this fair city together and at the SAME EXACT MOMENT, is it really necessary for you to link arms and walk 6 deep? This isn't an offensive line, and you're just plain offending me.


• Please don't chew gum with your mouth open. The sound is distracting, it looks disgusting and I'm pretty sure your momma taught you better.


• Please don't talk through the movie as it is shown in Grant Park on the big screen. If you wanted to just talk to each other, you should have gone to a restaurant. This is for, you know, watching the MOVIE.


• Please don't leave your dishes in the public sink at work as it can spread germs and increase other levels of unsanitary bacteria. And, I'm pretty sure your momma doesn't work here.


• Please replace the paper towel roll in the kitchen if you are the last person to use it. It only takes a second, and it is common sense and common courtesy. Clearly you are deficient in both areas.


• Please use turn signals to indicate the direction of travel you intend to take so I don't ram into the back of your bumper as you jerk to a stop. I can't read minds, and if I could, I'd say that there didn't seem to be much activity in there anyway.

See, wouldn't it be nice for some automated voice to express all of those pesky pet peeves and don'ts to the unsuspecting public around you? I'd like to request James Earl Jones to complete my voice-over, thank you.

What would your public service announcement say? And, more importantly, who would voice it?