Fashion Dos and Don'ts
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Fashion Dos & Don’ts: Sporting Edition
When going to a sporting event, some dress like they’re looking for a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, some dress like they’re members of a displaced Outback tribe of retards. Unless you count drinking martinis with a running start a sport, I’m not what you’d call a “sports fan.” However, I think I have a better idea of what to wear to any given sporting event than most.
I mean, I know that when you go to a stadium to see your team, you want to show your spirit, or whatever, and wear certain colors. However, there are ways you can do this elegantly and douche-a-ly.
Don't:
Why do Liverpool football fans of whatever sport Liverpool is playing feel the need to wear wizard hats? Oh, perhaps they're going to a magic tournament! Awesome. Maybe they can make their virginity disappear. Nice horn fruity-douche! Hooooonk!!!
Do:
Look, I'm not an elitist, but when dressing for a game, it helps to be a straight-up hottie. Wear your favorite T-Shirt, perhaps no underwear, a sensible pair of shoes, a trendy hat, hell wrap a fucking flag around you -- all you need to do is be hot, have great teeth and hold a foot long hot dog and, oh damn I love you.
Do:
Oh hey what's up? How you doing? No, not you on the left. You, on the right: Hey what's up? The subtle doo-rag with the guy's jersey suggests that this hottie wants to take it off. And lose her dork friend.
Don't:
Look closely at the flagged-skirted moron on the right, you can totally see his tiny wee wee. You're right, flag man-skirts are the truest display of patriotism. But, we're still going to need to revoke your passports.
Don't:
"Two virgins enter, two virgins leave!"
Do:
French chicks have an unfair advantage of being both hot and stylish. They suck. But damn, dig the belt, shades and stylish way she wears her country's colors in a fucking lei around her shoulders. I want to have sex with both of them. At once. Oui!
Don't:
"I don't know who 'Stewart' is but my daddy likes him. Regretfully, he's probably a NASCAR driver and I'll probably never go to college. Waaaaaa!!"
Do:
If anyone ever tells you you can't wear two pairs of sunglasses at once kick them in the throat with your Walmart running shoes.
I mean, I know that when you go to a stadium to see your team, you want to show your spirit, or whatever, and wear certain colors. However, there are ways you can do this elegantly and douche-a-ly.
Don't:
Why do Liverpool football fans of whatever sport Liverpool is playing feel the need to wear wizard hats? Oh, perhaps they're going to a magic tournament! Awesome. Maybe they can make their virginity disappear. Nice horn fruity-douche! Hooooonk!!!
Do:
Look, I'm not an elitist, but when dressing for a game, it helps to be a straight-up hottie. Wear your favorite T-Shirt, perhaps no underwear, a sensible pair of shoes, a trendy hat, hell wrap a fucking flag around you -- all you need to do is be hot, have great teeth and hold a foot long hot dog and, oh damn I love you.
Do:
Oh hey what's up? How you doing? No, not you on the left. You, on the right: Hey what's up? The subtle doo-rag with the guy's jersey suggests that this hottie wants to take it off. And lose her dork friend.
Don't:
Look closely at the flagged-skirted moron on the right, you can totally see his tiny wee wee. You're right, flag man-skirts are the truest display of patriotism. But, we're still going to need to revoke your passports.
Don't:
"Two virgins enter, two virgins leave!"
Do:
French chicks have an unfair advantage of being both hot and stylish. They suck. But damn, dig the belt, shades and stylish way she wears her country's colors in a fucking lei around her shoulders. I want to have sex with both of them. At once. Oui!
Don't:
"I don't know who 'Stewart' is but my daddy likes him. Regretfully, he's probably a NASCAR driver and I'll probably never go to college. Waaaaaa!!"
Do:
If anyone ever tells you you can't wear two pairs of sunglasses at once kick them in the throat with your Walmart running shoes.
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Genius. This is pure genius.
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