Favorite Jon Stewart Jokes

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

I happen to be a crossing guard in the mornings and I had forgotten that today was the first day of school, but to Miss Fergsons kindergarten class I am so sorry about y'all getting run over by that van.

You may have heard that I went onto a TV show on CNN called Crossfire, which I suppose is a debate show named after the stray bullets that strike and kill innocent bystanders during a gang fight. I said some pretty nasty things, most notably that their show was destroying America, and that he was a dick. He replied to me by saying, "You're not being funny." I then said, "I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow."

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do. -- Jon on Bill O'Reilly's objection to use of the phrase "Happy Holidays"

The Democratic National Committee made it official, electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power.

The two candidates were said to have spent the evening pouring over the complex and detailed Supreme Court ruling. But whereas Gore was pouring over it with his eyes and mind, Bush was pouring a glass of juice over it because quote, 'I don't want to finish my juice.'

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one??
Don't eat pork. God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?