7 Totally Bizarre & Effective Things You Can Send Your Enemies as Revenge

Turn the mailman into a hitman.

7 Totally Bizarre & Effective Things You Can Send Your Enemies as Revenge
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The world has no shortage of assholes. You can probably think of a dozen inconsiderate people who could stand to be knocked down a peg. It's not that you want these human nightmares to get hurt or anything serious like that — you just want some kind of karmic retribution to come their way. That's why an entire cottage industry of creative revenge has sprung up, in which the postal service plays the role of hitman.

Thanks to the spirit of entrepreneurship, there are real companies whose chief operation is to get back at the people who have wronged you, by mailing them things nobody would ever want to receive. So the next time you seek revenge, remember you can get inventive with these options.

1. Poop

Things You Can Send Your Enemies to Get Back at Them

Shit Express (real name) is a service designed to send a smelly surprise to "those pesky haters," "irritating colleagues," "exes," or anyone else who annoys you. As they put it quite succinctly, Shit Express is "a simple way to send a piece of shit in a box around the world." (It's horse poop, if you were wondering, and you can place your order here.)

2. Glitter

Things You Can Send Your Enemies to Get Back at Them

The self-explanatory site ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com will do just that. Has someone wronged you? Pay $9.99, and this company will glitter bomb that person via an envelope with an F-you note and plenty of what they call "the herpes of the craft world."

3. Farts

Things You Can Send Your Enemies to Get Back at Them

Though a fart in a jar (or a "jart") seems like the revenge with shortest shelf-life, SendAJart.com does offer plenty of options. You can customize the fart's juiciness or select from a variety of specific farts like "8th hour trucker fart" or "hungover frat boy fart." So, go nuts.

4. Mayonnaise 

Things You Can Send Your Enemies to Get Back at Them

At $45 a pop, Mayo by Mail is pricey, but it might be the most disgusting. Imagine unsuspectingly opening up an envelope full of mayonnaise, accompanied by a note that reads, "My hate for Mayonnaise is only matched by my hate for you." Terrible, right? (At least the horseshit is dry and easy to dispose of.)

5. The Middle Finger

7 Totally Bizarre & Effective Things You Can Send Your Enemies as Revenge

Why not go with a classic? Bird by Mail will send your nemesis a simple piece of paper, which, when unfolded, reveals nothing but a big, fat middle finger. It's certainly economical, just $5 (and free shipping!).

6. Stink Candles

7 Totally Bizarre & Effective Things You Can Send Your Enemies as Revenge

For those more interested in the long con, WTF Candles is for you. This mail-order revenge is served extra cold, as it has the appearance and functionality of a nice gift, but is really a ticking time-bomb of funk. Your target will get a couple burns of something pleasant before these candles burn to the wax that's scented like baby diarrhea or man fart. Brilliant.

7. Nothing

7 Totally Bizarre & Effective Things You Can Send Your Enemies as Revenge

Ship Your Friends Nothing is soul-crushing on a deep, existential level. As they put it, "Nothing is more exciting than walking to the mailbox and pulling out an envelope (or box) with your name and address hand-written on it. And nothing is more disappointing than opening that envelope to find... absolutely nothing."

Seems like if you wanted to send someone a box of packing peanuts, you could do that on your own, but paying someone else to do it makes it hurt that much more.

I'm the former Interactives Editor at Zimbio. I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship with my cat. Follow me: Google
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