Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that's out to get them?
Do communion wafers taste better in Corpus Christi, Texas, or in Sacramento, California?
Don't call us "gun nuts"! With a government like ours, we'd be nuts not to have guns!
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh? Wouldn't Jesus have preferred Gold, Platinum and Silver?
Gun Exchange programs would work great if they gave you a gun when you handed in a criminal!
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Even if you manage to convince me that I am gay, I am NOT going to sleep with you.
Ever wonder why god-centered religions make a woman responsible for messing up the world?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I'd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I don't want to have to see you everyday
I'm a Frisbeeterian - When I die, my soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there
I'm a right-wing, Republican, conservative Christian who thinks the spotted owl tastes like chicken.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
Did Joseph get upset when the Boy Jesus gave away his coin collection?
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards in high heels
Give the anarchists an inch, and the next thing you know, they want to be in charge!
God could create the universe in six days because he didn’t have to make it upward compatible.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God must especially love Fundamentalist preachers, Paleoconservative Republicans and the mentally ill, since He is all they ever talk about
I consider conversations with people to be mind exorcizes. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
-Jarod Kintz
Someday I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.
-Jarod Kintz
A telemarketer called the other day and asked me for my name. I said "this is Pete." He replied "hi, Steve." I said "no, my name is Pete." He still didn't understand me so he asked me to spell my name. I said "no problem, P as in pneumonia, E as in Einstein, T as in tsunami, and E as in Europe."
-Pete Blankenhorn
Father Flannigan's Whiskey wants to remind you that wherever there are four Irish Catholics, there's always a fifth.
-Pete Blankenhorn
When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.
-Jarod Kintz
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"--Emo Phillips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.--Emo Phillips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.--Emo Phillips
My girlfriend loves Sex In The City. Trouble is, I live in the country.
-Jarod Kintz
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.--Emo Phillips