Real life problems...Self-help solutions? Lets see.

 For my new project I am doing a lot of work with books in the self-help genre, reading them, highlighting their best thoughts, cataloging their wisdom noting page numbers in my computer, and getting ready to put it all together in a Cliff's Notes sort of way.   One day it will become a book, the quality of which has not been seen since Dr Seuss began rhyming about ham.  Possibly even collecting dust on a shelf next to the many books it will be referencing. As useful as I am finding all of these books, some more than others, there has to be a reason for reading them other than a warm fuzzy feeling you get while flipping through the pages, a feeling that I can easily get by simply peeing in a pool. 

There has to be a more long lasting effect than what you might get from say eating a good meal.  Sure there are nutrients in the food you eat and you receive enjoyment while eating it, but the benefits end when the food is gone.  What comes out later is certainly useful, but not particularly enjoyable.  Are self-help books the same?  Life changing thoughts and feelings while reading them to just be forgotten afterwards as we get back into our grooves?  So the question is; are self-help books useful in dealing with life's issues as we are living them?  Can we really be like Eckhart Tolle preaches, and release our ego to find peace, or as The Secret teaches to focus on what you want and it will come, or to use Dr Phil's Life Strategies and accept your failings, take credit for the life you have led, good or bad and take responsibility to make a change to move past them.  "The Alchemist" teaches us to find your life's purpose and pursue it to find happiness.  Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and "Just for Men/Women" are instruction manuals describing the 'Customs' of the other gender.  "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" describes how marriages fall apart, systematically.  Are these books useful for the mundane interpersonal dealing with family and co-workers?  With the ups and downs of daily life?  As Dr Phil says "Even the noblest people will be petty and small sometimes", which gives us a free hall pass for bad behavior once in a while.  A hall pass I will gladly take.  But how much is too much?  Is simply living by our own standards, by our own rules, our "My way or the Highway" mentality enough, or can we be better versions of ourselves if we read enough.  I am on a mission to find out.

There are two books that I have recently read, highlighted and placed on a nearby shelf within easy reach because I know that there will be a time soon when I will need them and I want them close by.  If I had a gun in my house I would keep it nearby for the exact same reason.  When you need it, you need it.  I cant be sure that they will do me a bit of good, but what was said in them seemed like it might useful one day.  Two books that act like translation manuals between the sexes.  I optimistically highlighted both the parts that I found useful about how women think but also sections, in case some interested female were to pick the book off of my shelf, that would open her mind to the fact that I may not be as stupid as I look, just different.  I am hoping the next time I find myself neck deep in an argument with my significant other, when emotions are flying and my woman is making about as much sense to me as my dog does when she tries to pee on other dogs pee at the dog park but we both know she ran dry twenty minutes ago.  "Drink more water dummy" I think "you are peeing dust!".  What if I were able at that point to hold up a "truce" flag, take twenty minutes to go to my reference library of self help books, flip through them until I find notes on the situation I am in, and receive useful advice?  I can think of nothing more powerful on the planet than a library that could accomplish that.  I don't want riches, genies, or islands where I can fulfill my King fantasy, no I want to understand the females brain.  Clearly my island fantasy is more within reach, but as The Secret says "If you believe it, you can have it"    Hmmm, I am starting to wonder about this concept already.

Let's take a real world problem and see what advice I can glean from the books I have on my shelf already.  Last week was my daughter's birthday, she turned ten.  "A double digit, midget" one of my clients said.  Sigh, yes I suppose so, except she is already one of the tallest girls in her class, and is wearing some of her mom's clothes.  Thankfully she has already passed the midget criteria.  One never knows, and if you are a parent, you know that your brain explores every conceivable horrible possibility simultaneously and all the time.  I am always worried that I will do something, or forget to do something that will ruin a birthday, or other special holiday for my kids leaving them scarred, or hating me.  God, I am pathetic.  I need to read more. 

Most recently it was Easter, I forgot to get presents for them from the Easter bunny, yes they still believe.  A late night emergency delivery by their mom saved the magic for another year.  That is both weird and wonderful at the exact same time that they still believe in a giant bunny that has Jackie Chan-like ninja stealth skills.  Before that it was their Christmas that nearly was ruined.  I have my own traditions for Christmas, while their mom has hers at her house.  One of mine is to keep all of the presents hidden till the night before, and then after they go to sleep the presents all are brought out and evidence of Santa is laid out everywhere.  I have so much fun with all of this and look so forward to it, that I got, this year, cocky.  Like a bad General, I did not plan for all contingencies.  My first clue that I was in trouble came at about ten o'clock pm, when normally the kids would be fast asleep.  I was typing away on my computer in the next room, thinking about all the presents hidden in the hall closet right next to the kid's room door, when I heard some movement in their room.  As I opened the door I knew that one or both were awake, but what should have tipped me off to be in trouble was that my daughter, was laying on her bed backwards, foot to head, looking out the window.  She turned when I came in and asked as sweetly as a nine year old girl in her pajamas will, what direction North was.  Not putting together the North Pole connection at this point, I quickly point out the window and even point out the North Star.  "That way" I say.   I give her a kiss, and smile fatherly as I walk out enjoying the Christmas spirit alive in my house. 

At twelve-thirty, my eyes were very heavy, full with boredom and two glasses of wine.  I have made two more trips into their room to answer various questions about when Santa will come, and what was that noise, when I finally realize, I am trapped.  Christmas will be ruined at my house, if I can't get the presents out of the closet which is only a couple feet from her bedroom door.  I begin to panic. 

At Two O'clock in the morning I am a mess.  She is still awake, still wondering when Santa will come and I still have nothing completed in the living room.  The cookies are whole, the milk is now room temperature, and Rudolph's carrot has not had one bite out of it.  Not only that, the tree and stockings are completely Grinch-like empty.  No presents. No cards, no train, no Magic.  If I fall asleep at this point, which is a real danger, and they wake up first.  Christmas will be a disaster.  Shell shocked kids will be walking around trying to process the fact that not only is Santa a fake, but their dad can't even pull off the simplest of frauds. 

I finally go to bed, setting my alarm for three-thirty AM and fall asleep for a nightmare filled hour and a half of rest.  When I get up, the house is quiet.  Completely.  Not a creature was stirring.  Christmas was saved.

So this last week my real world problem was that my daughters birthday had come and go and my dad, her beloved Papa and Grandma Sandy, were no where to be found.  They had a good excuse, I think, some friend, or friend of a friend on the other side of the state had passed away and they wanted to go to the memorial.  I guess that is just a priority that we all set in different ways.  I wonder if we took a poll how many of you would have gone to the memorial and how many would have kept a date with their granddaughter for her birthday.  I don't know, and I don't know if I am allowed to feel unhappy about this because I have no reference point.  Being the protective parent I feel angry that they missed this but since they said they would make it up soon, I let it go.  They are busy people, always have been and it's not uncommon for us to celebrate any of our special days on a day other than the special day itself. 

Now, however, it's been ten days since the offending day has passed, and I have already heard how this coming weekend was not going to be good either.  So, I find myself in  that very place where I would want to be able to draw from my personal library of understanding, and figure out what needs to be done, said, or made peace with to deal with my feelings, feelings that my daughter somehow was slighted.  Is there a tidbit in one of these many books to help deal with this in a correct way, or is there even a correct way to do it?  Are there really right and wrong ways to deal with others, better and worse, or just different?   Flipping thought "Life Strategies" I see that Dr. Phil says I need to accept responsibility for the relationship being the way that it is.  The ways that I have dealt with them in the past have set me up for this sort of thing to happen.  I need to change the relationship.  Hmm, okay.  Maybe a confrontation with one of them is exactly what the Dr ordered.  "A New Earth" and 'The Secret' are both silent on topics like this.  Which is not surprising because as Dr Phil states, "The Gurus seem to have everything but VERBS in their sentances...and they want you to play with your inner this or your outer that..."(Life strategies pg.23) The relationship books are written for couples, and don't seem to apply here.  So it looks like I am stuck with Dr Phil for this.

My human experiment continues.  Another day, another problem.  The book called The Secret states that "Disease cannot live in a body that's in a healthy emotional state" says The Secret (pg.130), Eckhart Tolle says that "An illness can either strengthen or weaken the ego"(A New Earth pg.124) which does not offer any help at all. It does however, make me want to keep my mouth shut about it and not complain.  Complaining is feeding the ego and according to Eckhart, this is bad. I agree, i dont want to drop stones in any one else's bag, so I keep it to myself and do feel more noble.  But today my neck hurts like a bugger, and my right knee hurts every time I "Do This" (insert joke here).  One character in The Secret states that he healed his own poor eye site by just believing that he would be healed.  In fact within three days his eyes were 20:20. (The secret pg.124) When asked if he was surprised that this worked he said no, he was surprised it took so long. 

This sounds good.  My neck hurts, and I want it to stop, so first I have to believe in the power to heal,"You can change your life, and heal yourself" (The Secret pg. 136) then envision my neck feeling great.  Stop focusing on the pain, because "When you focus on the pain, you bring about more pain" "Whatever you focus on you will bring to you" Stop believing in the pain and think about healing.  I did this for about an hour, and while continuing to have some very positive thoughts, I took two Advil and sure enough, my neck did feel better.  I don't mean to make fun here too much.  There is without a doubt a very real power of thought.  The Placebo effect is an absolute truth and accepted by every reputable MD and scientist the world over, and no one has a clue how it works.  There is truth to the power of belief, but are there limits?  The Secret would say no.  Dr Phil would say, I think, yes.  I tend to side with Dr Phil on this one.  The power of belief is huge and can build you up from a waitress to a large business owner.  No doubt in my mind.  I am firmly convinced that if you follow many of the tenants of The Secret, when it pertains to life goals, they will come true.  But it's more a way of tricking yourself into creating goals than harnessing magic or genies.  

"The Alchemist" tells a great story, one of my favorites so far of a boy who through the power of belief, and acceptance finds his "destiny".  By paying attention to the signs around him, he is led towards what it is that he really wants and probably needs the most.  After losing everything that he has worked his entire life for, with solid goals mind you, he loses it all through a heartless theft.  He did everything right, and still lost it all.  What should we do here?  Eckhart Tolle teaches us that we own nothing and even the concept of ownership is flawed.  That there is no real "I" to even own something.  That our ego, which is the source of all of our discomfort he says, is really claiming ownership to things to make it feel better in comparison to others.  He would say that the boy is no different today, than he was yesterday.  The items should have made no difference to him, and therefore the boys happiness will be the same.  Stay in the moment, focus on what is right now, not what was to get the greatest results.  "The Secret, and Life Strategies" both have chapters on living in the now and as it turns out that is how the boy deals with his problem.  The book "The Present" teaches us through another story, to live in this moment only also. Release stress by not thinking about the past, and re-experiencing our failures, and not thinking about the future and worrying.  The boy lets go of his loss, not easy at first of course because he has no way to eat.  And begins opening up his awareness to what was really going on around him.  Eventually he finds a merchant that will feed him today for some work.  This leads to more and more positive changes and learning, and eventually the boy returns years later with ten times the possessions he began with.  There seems to be a theme here.  But can it help me deal with the cook at the Chinese restaurant I was at last tuesday, who I watched huck up a loogie and spit on the floor?