Henny Youngman Quotes

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do? The doctor says "Limp!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
What's the latest dope on Wall Street? "My son!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
- Henny Youngman Quote
 
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
- Henny Youngman Quote