Jenna Bush to Wed Satan in Texas

Crawford, TX -- Jenna Bush will marry Satan, Prince of Darkness, in a private ceremony to be held at the bride's family's ranch Saturday evening.

U.S. President George W. Bush arranged the unholy union in exchange for his election to two terms serving as the nation's Chief Executive.

"The way she and her sister Barbara ran around—," Mr. Bush said, "their Grandma used to warn them they'd go to hell. They never dreamed I had already cut a deal with that Beelzebub feller."

"I hate to let my daughter go," the President added, "but at least I still have one left."

"Planning the event in Crawford has been a little complicated," said First Lady and mother-of-the-bride Laura Bush. "It wasn't easy finding a caterer in Texas who would risk eternal damnation if they undercooked the chicken."

The prospective groom chatted with reporters while the wedding party posed for photographs beneath a latticed roof of pecan trees. His party-girl bride-to-be looked stunningly beautiful in an Oscar de la Renta gown.

"Even though I've spent the last few millennia in the fiery pits of despair and lamentation," said Satan, Overlord of the Damned, "I don't find Central Texas all that appealing. Jesus, it gets hot here in the Spring."

Admitting to being "a little stressed out" and feeling "unspeakably evil" in anticipation of the nuptials, the Supreme Imp emphasized his aversion to public appearances.

"I told my future mother-in-law there was no way in home I was going to be seated next to Dick Cheney," said Satan, Master of the Dark Legions of the Underworld. "That jerk always wants to tell me how to run my Infernal Domain of Despair."

"If I get a couple of drinks in me tonight," he continued, "there's no telling what I could say or do to that douche."

Satan, Tempter of All Mankind, tirelessly bestows gifts of talent and beauty on tragically flawed entertainers who must eventually pay for the demonic favors. Recent projects include Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Walters, and many others.

"I gave Amy Winehouse that incredible voice and a boob job in return for her immortal soul," Satan, Nabob of Chaos, told reporters. "I would have thrown in a better set of choppers, too, but she didn't ask."

"Miley Cyrus is coming along just fine," he added. "You can't rush these things."