10 Unique Implements That Have Killed People in Horror Movies

As the poster says, it's for killin' on the cheap

Movie audiences have become more sophisticated. It’s pretty difficult to shock, or unclench the folded arms of even the most jaded viewer. Of course, shouting “fire” in a crowded theater, if you can still find one that is, usually does the trick. (Theaters have pretty much emptied out of late due to a profound dissatisfaction with what’s being offered and by the ability to download what’s being offered, despite how dissatisfied you might be, a few days after it’s been released).

While past audiences were wowed when somebody punched out a horse in a western, they’ve come to demand a little more these days when excessive force not seen outside the confines of a corrupt police precinct, is doled out on screen.

Pre-1930s, before the entire color spectrum could be used to fully showcase bloodletting, filmmakers had to rely on the “pop” of a pistol and the victim crumpling over like they’ve just ingested bad luncheon meat. Of course, the other way to do the job was the ol’ knife in the back and protracted death scene, but not protracted enough that the killer’s identity could be whispered in the detective’s ear with a last gasp.

Since the Motion Picture Association of America started doling out R ratings, all the better to catch a glimpse of the occasional boob on screen, so many different tools have been used to dispatch people whose story arc has come to a close, and whose last words in the script are (barring any unnecessary flashbacks): ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Modern cinema has since become so degraded that backing over someone with your car, or toppling them into a giant vat of sulfuric acid, is almost “pistols-at-dawn” quaint. In fact, the contemporary version of pistols at dawn means being riddled with point blank machine gun fire in front of your howling infant son, granny, wife and daughter before an elaborate tap routine is performed on your dead corpse.

Even the tools of the tree surgeon trade have become passe, as it’s better to use something handier than risk industrial deafness or emptying out your half liter tank before the town virgin can be dispatched with that chainsaw.

The following movies went above and beyond your run-of-the-mill eye gouging, fencepost impaling or hurling someone off the edge of the nearest cliff after they’re doused with kerosene and lit ablaze. So, hot on the heels of our Top 10 Horror Films that Feature Murderous Monkeys (some of whom are probably capable of using the tools we describe here) we bring you…Part I of…

Ten Unique Implements That Have Killed People in Horror Movies.

10) Outboard Motor

During those lazy, carefree summers, Canadians are drawn to cottage country (and at this point we mention that we receive a government grant every time some aspect of Canadiana is mentioned on our site). If black fly season is in full swing, it’s understandable that homicidal urges become that much more difficult to suppress and what better way to send off your intended victim than with an implement that shows that you’re a capable outdoorsman, and with incredible upper body strength to boot?  Showcased in: Zombie Holocaust, Sleepover Nightmare and The Mutilator

9) Beer. In keeping with the summer theme, we turn to that elixir, about which the ancient Egyptians said, “The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer.”

In movies, countless shards of glass have been swept up off bar room floors as the beer bottle is a perennial favorite when it comes to acquainting someone with the beginning of next week, however whatever scar that might result would just be chalked up to an incredibly bad hangover. In Sleepover Nightmare though, an otherwise forgettable flick featuring a psychopathic killer with a penchant for Panama hats, someone suffers the fate (the more benign form of which is usually usually comprises a frat-house initiation ritual) of getting a can of beer rammed through their noggin.

8) Nail Gun. Who among us who isn’t presently under the employ of Habitat for Humanity, (or a union leader buried under quick-dry cement), hasn’t thought of how cool it would be to fire off a few rounds of a nail gun, perhaps at the fat arse of a particularly annoying supervisor?

Well, we can credit Danny Glover of Lethal Weapon fame, for bringing this device into the public consciousness when he knocked two intruders out with it. In Nail Gun Massacre, (a rental that would have your local Blockbuster notifying the authorities) the killer uses some kind of portable compressed air nail gun and a bag-full of catchphrases (“Okay turd-face, cut the small talk”) before sending his victims to the great home renovation center in the sky. [Editor's note: don't worry, we won't give away the complex narrative if you haven't seen it]

7) Pizza Cutter / Frying Pan. For the next two slots on the list, we move indoors from the garage, to the kitchen. [Editor's note: While they won't kill you (they might cause minor stomach upset), interested readers can check out our list of the 10 Worst Cookbooks Money can Buy].

Into the Mirror is a South Korean film that proves that the pen can be just as mighty as the sword, at least when it’s shoved into the ear canal. It also shows us that knives should be left for those on penitentiary kitchen detail who don’t have a toothbrush shank handy, or rank amateurs, as far as dispatching your intended victim with cooking implements is concerned. Scoring huge points for originality, and that would have Al Capone smiling a crazed, syphilitic smile from the great beyond, a pizza cutter is used to slit a victim’s throat after likely perfecting the art on a Chicago deep dish. In Eating Raoul, not a true horror film but a fun horror comedy, a dull couple, Mr and Mrs Bland (!) find they can finance their dream restaurant by luring perverts to their home through the classified ads, clubbing them over the head with a frying pan and stealing their wallets. This gives new meaning to the term ‘deadpan’. An interesting side-note if you aren’t already convinced this isn’t a way you should be spending your next free Saturday night: Eating Raoul is also notable for a near-drowning in a toilet bowl.

6) Television Set: Never has the notion of television being responsible for killing brain cells been so graphically rendered as in Henry, Portrait of A Serial Killer. Henry, a serial killer, and Otis, his incestuous redneck friend (not a pair you’d want to double date), get fed up with the lousy reception of Otis’s crappy TV. They go to buy a new one, but the owner of the pawn shop/electronics store tells them they can only afford a lousy black-and-white model. And then he decides to get lippy, which is a decision he will come to regret for the next few, final and horribly painful moments of his life. Henry stabs him with a soldering iron and then in a surprisingly inspired choice of murder weapon, he crowns the mouthy store owner with one of his own sets. And then Otis plugs it in. STAY TUNED FOR PART II of this list!!