A Dish Best Served Cold

As part of the ritual of welcoming spring, I always like to clean my closets, which I mean both literally and figuratively.  There is nothing like the cathartic feeling of emptying the clutter and dust bunnies from your life that have accumulated over the past few seasons (or God forbid, years). Now, I do realize that life doesn't always present us with the opportunities or incentives to accomplish this task on a spiritual level. It is undoubtedly much easier for us to spot the accumulation of old baggage in the hall closet than it is to spot the equivalent in our heads. However, life did indeed present an opportunity for me to rid myself of some of the detritus I was hanging onto recently, and I seized upon the chance like a lioness on a gazelle.

One thing that 98% of the people I have met in my life have in common is that they all seem to share some version of a story of heartache from a romantic relationship gone sour. If they weren't literally left at the altar or abandoned in divorce court,they have at least in some way, at some point in time, been uncerimoniously dumped for a younger, cuter, smarter version of themselves. As a result, most people have permanent scars on their self-esteem. They wish they could erase the feelingsof self-doubt that accompany those memories and never, EVER, allow themselves to think about the person that caused them again. But, somewhere in the tiny corners of their mind, they just can't let go. I am no exception to any of these human failings.

As many of you know, this very website launched in conjuction with the publication of my book in February. I have literally put myself on display in cyberspace and as a result have been contacted by many people I haven't heard from in years (all part of the magic of the information age). A person from the aformentioned "love dumper" category just happens to be one of those people who contacted me. Needless to say, there is nothing quite like having the door to one of those mental closets you had hoped had been permanently sealed off forced wide open. However, once the initial shock subsided, I was able to write to him. I hope what follows is an inspiration to you all. I have changed the names and some of the minor details to protect the guilty.

Dear Pete:

Wow! What a shock to hear from you after all these years! I can't believe it since our mutual acquaintence, Sarah, that the last she had heard, you had gone half-insane from some sort of horrific venerial infection. What a relief to hear that she was mistaken. Don't worry, I didn't share that information with anybody else with the exception of Beth Erickson from our old high school (who as you might remember was editor of the school newspaper, was voted class gossipmonger ,and now edits the alumni newsletter. But she assures me she has mended her ways).

What have I been up to the past 25 years? Well now that is a long story. Where do I begin? Well, as you can see from the website, I'm now an award-winning author. I know, go figure. Life has just been exceptionally good to me for some reason.

Shortly after you decided to end our relationship, I found out that some distant relative aunt (who I never even heard of) left me a small fortune (well, small-- that's what I'd like the IRS to believe at any rate)! So I actually spent quite a few years after college just globe-trotting and living the good life. It's so libertating to know that no matter what happens, you're covered financially for life!

Things have been a little weird in the health department however. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare anti-aging disease which is only present in .00000001% of the population (I know, just my luck). Anyway, it does not allow me to age like normal people and as a result, I'm destined to look 17 for the rest of my life! It's really weird not getting wrinkles or age spots like my friends. I'm actually starting to use a little gray hair dye on myself now and then just so I can look a little more mature. You have no idea how annoying it is to still get carded every time I walk into a liquor store to buy a simple bottle of wine!

In addition, try as I may, I've never been able to put on any weight. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be the only one of my friends who can still fit into her ninth grade cheerleading uniform? It just isn' normal. In fact, I just got a call from a photographer friend, Ralph, asking me if I'd be interested in posing for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue AGAIN.  I told him that although I really appreciated it, he needed to give the younger girls a chance while they still had time.

I did have a real scare with a serious virus I caught several years back which made my breasts swell. They went up two cup sizes and have never returned to normal. I have to have my bras specially made now, which as you can imagine is a real pain in the butt. Ah well, we all have our crosses to bear as they say.

I did get married to a wonderful man about 15 years ago. He's a real prince (well actually, since his country is now defunct, it's really just a ceremonial title we use when we visit the white house). The relationship is great even though he is from old money and I'm from new. It all spends the same is what I say! He is almost everything a girl could want. As an old friend, I feel I can confide in you however, that he's never quite been able to keep up with me in the bedroom (if you know what I mean).But it's not his fault that I'm so insatiable. Still, I wish sometimes that he would learn to kick back and relax American style once in awhile. I occasionally just prefer sitting with a few beers in front of the 103" plasma tv and watching the games all day instead of attending to his stinking need to just talk and cuddle. But no marriage is perfect, right?

Well, my friend, I really have to dash. My publisher just phoned to say that Oprah called again begging for me to come on and discuss the book. I really should get back to her.

I hope that your life has been all you dreamed it would be the day you walked out on me. I know mine has!

Regards,

Jana

Okay friends, please spare me the emails about the power of mercy and letting go. I am well aware of the fact that to forgive is truly divine. But I have to be honest and say that revenge is so much sweeter!

Jana Kaspar-Barnes is the author of The Adventures of Mom which is now on sale at Barnesandnoble.com, Amazon.com and Booksamillion.com. Visit her at her website, jkasparbarnes.com.