People Who Look like the Frankenstein Monster

Lou Reed wrote the Transformer album. Note how easily he morphs into the monster

There are two types of people in the world: those who look like the Frankenstein monster and everyone else, (which includes those who like to make fun of people who look like the Frankenstein monster—there are others who say there are two groups of people in the world, those who divide the world into two different groups, and those who don’t, but we digress).

Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s Frankenstein was considered by many who contribute to Wikipedia to be among the very the first works of science fiction, foreshadowing eugenics and pointedly critiquing the Industrial Revolution—and written when the noted Londoner was just 19.

Shelley’s depiction of the monster varies considerably from the one with which we’re familiar today, as her creature takes refuge in the woods, is taken in by a peasant family, and then becomes eloquent in French. In the Boris Karloff film version, he’s a less than eloquent Robert de Niro.

Fellow Torontonian David Cronenberg, directed Dead Ringers

Anyway, here’s a rundown of some famous people who shall be immortalized as ‘the Modern Prometheus.’

Mr Sunshine and Lollipops himself, Lou Reed [see above] founder of the Velvet Underground, penned classics like Rock ‘n’ Roll, Femme Fatale, Walk on the Wild Side, Sweet Jane, Dirty Blvd. He is as infamously guttural and combative as his doppelganger.

David Cronenberg, Canadian gore master, directed History of Violence, Eastern Promises, Scanners, The Dead Zone. He is one of the principal originators of what is commonly known as the ‘venereal horror genre’—we’re not sure what this means, but are awaiting the test results.

In the early part of his career, he explored how the psychological melded with the physical with such titles as Scanners, one of the all time best films in which a human head blows up.

Kerry only had Mass. appeal

John Kerry, US presidential candidate, senator from Massachusetts, responsible for 50% more of Bush than anyone wanted.

Kerry came to exemplify the wooden, aloof, awkward northeastern Dem. This limousine liberal is currently giving his ‘I coulda been somebody, I coulda been a contenda’ speech in the back of one. The Frankenstein monster had a more compelling persona.

Cronenberg's Crash is better

Matt Dillon. Star of the Flamingo Kid, Wild Things, There’s Something about Mary, Factotum and the insipid, Crash (one of those films in which a series of unbelievably idiotic coincidences occur, in order to make a point rather than advance the narrative—if the point was, “I’m a shitty screenwriter”, point taken).

We are NOT a predatory monopoly!

Steven Anthony Ballmer is chief executive officer of Microsoft Corporation and the only Young Frankenstein monster on our list. [We would've put Amy Winehouse as Bride of Frankenstein if our Photoshop skills were up to snuff]

In Forbes’ 2008 World’s Richest People ranking, Ballmer was ranked the 43rd in the world, with an estimated wealth of $15 billion, some of which we’ll gladly take as a pay off in exchange for removing what is below. At 43rd, if he goes out for lunch with Buffet or Gates, they’re buying. As far as Frankenstein goes, don’t take our word for it, please see the video ‘Frankensteve’.

Frey takes it easy

Glenn Frey, Eagles guitarist, member of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame.

Frey is a very gifted songwriter and co-wrote some of the best songs the Eagles ever put out. For those of you who loathe the Eagles, we understand that ‘the best Eagles song’ is comparable to being the leanest of the morbidly obese, but there’s no denying ‘Take it Easy’ and ‘Peaceful Easy Feeling’ are great tunes, even if the Eagles occasionally slip into ‘peaceful, easy listening’. Frey also wrote the quite terrible ‘The Heat is On’ from Beverly Hills Cop.

Honorable Mentions.

Kevin McHale. Former NBA power forward, who has more rings than a Liberace auction [Editor's note: Liberace continues to be a reference in pop culture, despite being admittedly before our time]

Took the Celtics to the promised land, sent the T-Wolves to the gutter

McHale appeared in an episode of Cheers during which he became obsessed with counting the floorboards at the Boston Garden. [Please see Sam Malone in our list of the Top 10 Fictional Bartenders of All Time]

Old Billy. Proof that only the good die young.

Billy Joel. Pens quite loathsome music and we cannot bring ourselves to defend any of it, already physically and mentally spent from the Glenn Frey entry.

[Noel and Chris are the authors of The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery Penguin Global 2007]