Uniquely useless sh*t

In remembrance of dead Chia pets, in celebration of Smurf glass collections, and in honor of pack rats everywhere, I'm showcasing a few of my immensely useless and totally pointless possessions. I'll be accepting your exorbitant bids on Ebay.

New Hand Saw

Is there anything that you've seen or read on this blog that would lead you to believe I'm a tool time girl? NO. That's right. So why do I need a hand saw? The answer: I don't.

Dearest Dad was helping me install my air conditioners last year and decided he needed to saw some lumber. It was one board. But, because I don't own anything that can cut more than paper (and even that's iffy) he decided I needed a brand new saw. Number of times it's been used since--NONE. Money well spent.

It's such a bummer really; I can't even hang the damn thing up as a wacky decoration and conversation piece. I mean, I get the feeling it's just wrong to have a saw hanging on the wall above my bed.

Empty Wine Bottle

First of all, I didn't even drink this wine. That, in and of itself, is a crying shame (read: pathetic). But it also makes me the idiot who actually asked to have the bottle after it was emptied.

What would possess me to act like a crazy dumpster diver lady with a shopping cart full of cans and actually save this piece of trash? Because it has a great label, of course! The girl is a redhead (reminiscent of yours truly, sort of) and it's groovy (completely like me, sort of)! Hey, I warned you people I'm a narcissist.

Wooden Rolling Pin

I don't even know how I acquired this pristine yet archaic piece of kitchen clutter. I have absolutely no use for anything associated with baking. (I vaguely remember mom using one to roll out cookies when I was little, me stealing the dough, and then being threatened within an inch of my life) What use could a rolling pin possibly have for me? Impromptu hammer? Doorstop? Personal defense device?

Do they even make wooden rolling pins anymore? I just assume they've upgraded to some space age material by now and improved the design. Like a folding, storage friendly rolling pin that reduces to the size of a switch blade and is just as deadly. Just a guess.

Miniature White Cat

I get rid of a ton of stuff I don't need each year, whether I like it or not, but for the life of me I can't seem to disown this guy. He's not in any way of sentimental value, he just reminds of my cat Maxx. Why do I need a mini Maxx when the real thing is still living, breathing and licking my hair? It's inexplicable.

And, besides the fact that this is the cheapest little piece of crap around, it also has the distinction of originating from a Mickey D's (dammit, can't I make this font any smaller?). What? Like you've never? Don't lie, I've seen your cartoon characters collection. I'm not the only looney tune around here.

Art of Doing Nothing Book

There is no reason in hell why I should have a book that teaches a me how to make time for myself. I'm single, no kids, and the world revolves around me.

Also, I have a black belt in doing nothing. I am a trained productivity killer! Actually I think the black belt is from my bathrobe, but whatever. I've worked hard to get to this level of nothingness, and part of that entailed NOT reading books. And I am more smarter for it.

So, what are you hiding in your useless shit collection?

Hop, skip or jump over to Humor-Blogs.com