Nation's Prisoners Set To "Bond" With Jaycee Lee Dugard's Kidnapper

Bob "Axe-Man" Bronston, spokesman for the NPC appeared in a brief press conference where he stated the the "word is out" in prisoner's parlance, indicating an agreement has tentatively been reached that when Garrido arrives in any prison in the United States, the prisoners of that facility will be set to bond with the alleged rapist and child abductor.

"The bonding will be surprisingly brief and to the point," stated Bronston. "We will bond with him for the amount of time it takes us to remove his testicles and otherwise eviscerate the bastard. It is not as good as chemical castration, but in some ways, is more permanent and we believe, more effective."

It is not yet known how the Garrido case will develop and what will happen to the now incarcerated kidnapper and his wife, but it is assumed that once he enters the doors of whatever prison he is sent to, it will not be necessary to provide him with the "three meals and a flop" as he is expected to need no more than a sandwich before his hapless torso is ground into canned dog food.

"Usually vengeance is the Lord's," quipped Bronston. "But the "Old Man" always leaves these guys to us. Our methods are sanctioned from above. It is my understanding that Mr. Garrido has some sort of religious affiliation with his own mind. He will have an opportunity to meet the voices he hears as soon as possible," promised Bronston.