Children, Divorce, and Infidelity -- Where Does it End?

By Michael Patrick Okeefe

In the past several years, I have had many friends endure divorce, all as a result of infidelity. Fortunately, the children of these marriages were generally older, if not adults, within a few years of reaching the age of majority. As such, these kids should have been better prepared to deal with their emotional response to the break-up of their parents’ marriage. Surprisingly, though, I found that in many instances these “young adults” seemed nonchalant about their parents’ divorce, apparently viewing a marital split as a normal and expected pattern in human relationships. Additionally, they seem reluctant to acknowledge the role that infidelity played in their parents’ divorce.

For example, I had one friend, George, who discovered his wife had been cheating, and that she had been unfaithful for at least two to three years. After another couple of years of counseling and attempts at reconciliation, George reached his limit and filed for divorce. George and his wife had two daughters. At the time of the divorce, the oldest was a senior in high school, while the youngest was 15. His younger daughter had a severe disability which would require lifetime care. Unfortunately, the divorce was bitter and George’s ex did the unthinkable and inexcusable – she accused George of molesting his disabled daughter. The accusation of “child molestation” in a divorce proceeding is the equivalent of dropping an atom bomb. Although you eventually might be able to clean up the debris and rebuild your life, the damage from the blast is severe, lasts for thousands of years, and can never be completely reversed. After many hearings, and a parade of witnesses, including physicians, care givers, clergy, and other family members, George was able to prove the allegations were not true, and was awarded normal visitation privileges with both his daughters. However, George’s relationship with his oldest daughter was damaged almost permanently, because she chose to believe her mother’s allegations and ignore the facts. Additionally, she discounted her mother’s infidelity and to this day, blames dad for the divorce.

Another friend, April, endured an abusive relationship with an alcoholic husband who fooled around on her almost from the day they were married. Who knows, he may have even fooled around on the day they were married! This guy was a real piece of work – for example, he chose to go out and gamble the night April delivered their first child. He did not even trouble himself with bringing his wife and new child home from the hospital – April was forced to take a cab. As this rather ill-fated union progressed, April discovered her ex had at least two long term mistresses and perhaps one bastard child. As a consequence of her conservative upbringing and relative isolation, April was hesitant to get a divorce, but eventually “reached her limit” and sought a divorce after her youngest child entered college. April had four children with this notable jackass, two boys and two girls. Her two oldest were well aware of their father’s infidelity, and told April that they had “expected” the divorce. April’s third child recognized that her father had been unfaithful, having learned the sordid details from her older siblings. However, April’s youngest son refuses, even to this day, to acknowledge that his father was a philanderer, although his dad married the second mistress within a year after the divorce with April was final. Astonishingly, April’s children refuse to recognize the role their father’s behavior played in the break up. When pressed, they attribute the divorce to the fact their parents “grew apart”, viewing their father’s infidelity as a symptom, and not a cause, of their parents’ divorce.

I have another friend, Jessica, who has walked down the long road of discord and conflict with no hope of reconciliation. Jessica has a son and a daughter. Without going into all the sordid details, Jessica discovered that her husband was having an affair with a much younger woman. At the time of the divorce, the son was well established in business, while the younger daughter was in college. Although Jessica’s son (the oldest) provided support to his mom during the rather messy divorce, the daughter refused to recognize that her father had been unfaithful – in spite of the testimony that came out during the contentious divorce proceeding. Jessica’s youngest daughter seems hostile to her mother, and tends to view the whole ugly marital split with distance and contempt.

What then, of these children, and their future relationships? What of George’s eldest daughter, April’s children, and Jessica’s youngest child? What of their relationships? I wouldn’t expect a son or daughter to “take sides” in a divorce, yet I would expect a son or daughter to recognize the flaws in their parents’ behavior. To this day, George’s eldest daughter, April’s children and Jessica’s daughter offer no compassion or empathy to their parents. If it’OK for mommy or daddy to fuck around, will it be OK for their spouse or significant other to fuck around? I know these children, and from what I can see, they will have an entirely different attitude if they become the victim of an unfaithful spouse.

If you can’t admit that daddy or mommy was wrong when he/she fucked around, how will you respond if it happens to you? Marriages, and our children’s attitudes toward marriage, are being damaged by the moral relativism that permeates our culture. Without moral absolutes, there is no basis to judge the conduct of others; the concepts of right or wrong become mere perceptions based on the ethical viewpoint of the observer, and all societal institutions, including marriage, suffer and break down.

I worry about the future of our children and their relationships, whether they choose to get married or not. I have not met a man or woman who was happy to learn of an unfaithful spouse. Yet, if it’s not important to you when your mother or father has to deal with betrayal, why should your mother or father care when you have to deal with adultery? Why should anyone care? The institution of marriage is slipping away into the moral abyss, followed by the rest of our social institutions, weighed down by the ball and chain of a “if it feels good do it” culture. Even more importantly, it appears that our children, who will inherit “marriage” and our other deteriorating social institutions, simply don’t give a shit.