Wife with Benefits

By Michael Patrick Okeefe

In my previous life, I was a lawyer.[1] Approximately six months ago, I decided to switch gears and enter the real estate “bidness”, just in time for the financial shit storm of the century. As a result, I found myself back in the law business, because bad times are usually a lot better for lawyers than for real estate agents.[2]

I started getting some legal work, and realized I needed a legal assistant. In an effort to save money, I decided to retain my sweet, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and efficient tai-tai as my employee. Once I decided to hire May, a thought occurred to me.[3] I turned to my wife and said: “Sweetie. Now that you are my employee, it occurs to me that I can sexually harass you – at will!” “That,” my wife replied, “is not in my contract!”

As our employer / employee relationship progressed, I realized I had created an entirely different type of “at will” relationship. For example, if I have a bad day or need encouragement, I can get a big hug from my wife – at will! If my wife is feeling blue and needs a little special attention, she gets a nice affectionate kiss – at will! If I feel like grabbing a booby or squeezing a bun-bun – no problem! At will! A little morning sugar, afternoon delight, or candy in the evening? At will! No EEOC, no lawsuits, no office gossip – the tai-tai as employee arrangement has some incredible advantages.

The wife as employee arrangement has other benefits as well. For example, my wife is a liberal democrat and I am a post conservative Bushed-out cynic. Yet, we can have inappropriate and insane political discussions with absolutely no threat of litigation! I can make unsuitable politically incorrect comments with absolutely no fear of legal repercussions! My wife and I are having so much fun I’m sure what we are doing is illegal! But we don’t care! So sue us!

The phrases “user friendly”, “open door policy”, “high energy”, “workplace accessibility”, and “partnering” take on an entirely different meaning when you have a wife with benefits!

[1] The reader should note that all characters and events presented in this blog are purely fictional, presented for the entertainment and amusement of the reader. In other words, it’s a joke!
[2] You might say that lawyers are “bloodsuckers feeding at the heart of misery”. Then again, you might not!
[3] It’s usually a bad thing when “a thought occurs to me”.