DHS Green-lights Lawyer Hunt

Report by Rich Reynolds, AL Chapter

Amidst protests from lawyers and attorney rights advocates, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced Wednesday that a country-wide lawyer management plan will be put into effect later this year to combat what it calls a “significant domestic threat.” The management plan is designed to facilitate a stabilization of the dangerously overpopulated lawyer herd, then gradually adjust populations downward to an acceptable range for the social and environmental conditions of a given area, or “management unit.”

Terry Thrash, an attorney practicing in Waunakee, Wisconsin responded to news of the plan by uttering a string of horror induced expletives. Bill White, a partner of Thrash at the law firm of Porter, White, and Thrash, decried the brutality of the plan, though conceding that even he knew a few lawyers who would better serve humanity by dying a slow, painful death.

Current lawyer populations throughout the United States are at an all-time historical high, with an upward trend continuing. Only in rural New Mexico is the lawyer population currently stable, according to government experts. “Environmental analysis and social research suggest that current lawyer populations are too high in nearly every section of the country,” reported DHS spokesperson Burke Franklin, “and the immediate implementation the management plan is necessary to avert even greater negative impacts than those already being experienced.”

The DHS plan, to be activated in September, calls for multiple management units in each state, based upon attorney population levels. In order to manage the harvesting of attorneys, citizens must apply for a lawyer permit. The number of permits issued will vary amongst management units, according to the saturation of attorneys therein. Each lawyer harvested must be tagged and taken to a registration site for safe disposal.