Post Partum Psychosis- The Second Time Around

I am currently dealing with Post Partum Psychosis, only this isn't the first time I've been through it. I now know for sure that what I went through after my second pregnancy was not not post partum depression but also post partum psychosis which is much worse than post partum depression. My support system both times has been very limited not because of lack of care but because of people being busy, having to be places, etc.

Last time, I had a feeling it was the psychosis I was experiences but tried to deal with it myself because everyone was busy with their own lives and I didn't feel that my problems mattered. I also didn't want to be locked away, marked as being "crazy". This time however, things got so bad that I had no choice but to ask for help. One day the urge to kill myself or to hurt my kids was so overwhelming that I called my husband at work crying. I told him that I knew that if I got off the couch I would definitely kill myself. I didn't want to, but everything in my body was telling me to. I also felt totally worthless. I felt like everyone would be better off without me and I felt like a complete failure. I was seeing things on top of all of that. Driving at night was always an adventure. So my husband made a few phone calls and it was decided that I needed to be admitted to a behavioral health unit, AKA psych unit at a local hospital to receive "intense therapy" and medication.

Bill and I discussed what we thought the place would be like while we waited in the ER. I expected a white floor with everyone in white coats like in the movies, one TV, one big living room, one bathroom, etc. I was partially right. No White coats but there was one big living room and only one TV. There were three showers on the floor which you had to sign in for. There were bathrooms in the rooms but they were locked until the next day after you saw the doctor. You had a room mate but no curtain between the two beds. No trash bags on the trash cans. They take your clothes and all your stuff in the ER and decide what you can and can't have upstairs. No drawstrings, no cellphones, electronics, video games, pens, pencils, sneakers, razors, etc.

It was definitely a shock. My room mate was nice, she snored so I needed ear plugs which they almost didn't let me have. So I had to agree to come get them with my night meds and bring them back in the morning with morning meds. There were meetings throughout the day and we met with the doctor every day who had the final say over whether you got to go home. There were two hours of visiting time each day and sometimes there'd be like fifteen minutes of outside time but it was cold out so I didn't go. There wasn't much to do and if you slept too much they'd lock you out of your room. So you had to say you felt good and that the meds were working so you could leave.

Of course when I came home things went back to normal. Bill went back to work, I went back to full time mom. So other than getting meds I'm not quite sure what it helped. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist and I've changed my meds around a bit because I was like a zombie. My therapist said that I'm one step away from winding up back in the hospital for three weeks this time so that's not good. But I just don't have the help.

Anyone that has ever been through PPD knows how awful it is, anyone who has been through PPP knows how devastating it is. If there is anyone out there who has been through it more than once, I'd really love to talk to them, this is an ongoing struggle. I am not out of the woods yet. I have my good days and my bad and people who haven't been through it can be helpful but can't completely understand. I'm looking for any advice here.