Saying Goodbye

Shelly passed away October sixth. I haven't been able to think of exactly what to say in this post because it's still so raw. She was coughing a lot the last time I saw her which was a few days before she passed. Then she began turning away visitors, wanting to spend time just laying in bed with her kids. Then she couldn't keep any food down. She had leukemic meningitis and in her last twenty-four hours she starting getting stiff all over, then came the fever. She was out of it for the most part. By Tuesday, the sixth, it was obvious that it wouldn't be long.

I called that day around 11:30 and the machine didn't even pick up. I really wanted to get over to see her and I knew she wasn't feeling well so I wanted to make sure it was ok to come. When I called back about a half hour later I got the machine and began leaving a message, "Hi! It's Nicole, I was just calling to see how Shelly's doing -" My mother-in-law picked up hysterically crying, "She's not! Shelly just passed!"

Wow. Now I had the job of telling my husband. I called my mom crying and then my brother who worked with my husband, Bill, at the time. The best plan to tell Bill the bad news would be to just show up at his work, my brother would bring him outside to me and I could tell him, then drive to Shelly's house to be with everyone. My mom came right over to be with my kids so I could leave. When I got to Bill's work I texted my brother and he brought Bill out to me. He took one look at me and said, "Is this what I think it is?" I just shook my head yes and he broke down sobbing and yelling.

At the house, there were so many cars that finding a spot to park was next to impossible. Family and close friends all came to grieve together and also offer support to Shelly's husband Cliff, the kids and my in-laws. Someone had taken her two kids out of the house that morning, knowing she was dying. Cliff had the rough job of explaining to the kids what happened to their mommy. When they came home, he took them into Shelly's room and as soon as he opened that door, her son (who's three years old) said, "Where's Mommy?!" After the three of them came back out, everyone got quiet wondering if the kids would cry or even understand what just happened. Her little boy announced to everyone that his Mommy died, very matter-of-fact. Then he wanted to put on his Halloween costume and I couldn't help but feel so horribly sad at the fact that she won't be here for Halloween. It was really a big deal for her to be with the kids while they Trick or Treated. Her son talked about his costume, Captain Hook, and then asked, "But what's Mommy going to be for Halloween?" My mother-in-law quickly said, "An angel." He was fine with that answer and went on showing off his costume. Her one-year-old daughter was just too young to grasp what was happening.

Cliff looked like a zombie, everyone took turns just sitting with him, hugging him, comforting him. My mother-in-law would jump back and forth from getting her thoughts together about the viewing and funeral to zoning out to crying uncontrollably. It was so incredibly sad.

Friday night, the ninth was the first viewing. A bunch of us made picture boards to put around the funeral home and family turned in photos to cycle through a slideshow on a flat screen TV in the one room. Hoards of people showed up to see her, family, friends, old co-workers, old classmates.......everyone was still in shock. Saturday was the second viewing and then the funeral.

Any kind of recovery from this has been extremely slow. My mother-in-law has not left Shelly's house. She is there everyday and every night taking care of the kids since Cliff has gone back to work. She is so depressed and just can't move past Shelly passing away. My husband is in the same boat. He misses her so very much and can't seem to heal at all. This past Saturday we did the Light the Night walk over in Philly for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Shelly had asked all of us to join her team and fund raise for this walk a couple of months ago. Her friend Jenn really ran with it, becoming team captain and together we raised close to $6,000!

It was bittersweet to be there without Shelly. We all carried red balloons which signifies that we are supporters. We wore shirts and pins and put orange (for leukemia) and yellow (Shelly's favorite color) ribbons on our cars. Cliff tied a gold balloon on the kids' stroller, gold signifies someone you lost to cancer. Our team walked 1.7 miles in the monsoon that was the down pouring rain. There were massive puddles that were literally knee deep. I took my double stroller for Dare Devil and the Princess and Big Brother walked with my in-laws. There was lightning and strong wind on top of the never ending pelting rain. I don't think I've ever been outside in such bad weather. But you know what, we all laughed and screamed and joked the whole way through. It was the happiest I've seen everyone since Shelly's diagnosis. Bill yelled up to the sky several time, "Haha! Very funny Shelly!" There were other teams retreating back to the starting line but we pushed on until we reached the end when we screamed and hollered and clapped. Besides, after what Shelly went through for ten months, this was nothing! Back at the car we realized that everything in stroller was drenched, jackets, snacks, the entire diaper bag and its contents. We were completely, and I do mean completely drenched and so were the kids. But they were all laughing! Dare Devil thought it was great taking a stroll in the pouring rain, at one point he and Bill's Aunt Joyce were yelling "yee-haw" and we ran through huge puddles and pushed up muddy hills. I know Shelly was up there watching us and laughing.

We plan on doing the walk in her honor every year, after all, she'd do the same for any one of us.

SHELLY

During Cancer

Light The Night

Our lighted ballons against the night sky...............Team Love 4 Shell

Shelly, you will always be in our hearts! Love you!