Iran: Master Of Mixed Messages, Nice Beaches Though

There is perhaps nothing quite like a beautiful sunset over the Mideastern skyline of Tehran. As children happily play in the streets during the daily bustle of traffic, tall whispy palm trees sway in the wind while a cloud of smoke from one of 9 Shahab-3 missiles obscures the scenery on the way to the mosque downtown. Ah, nothing like peace and quiet to ease the day's tension.

If both yesterday's and today's headlines don't reinforce our feelings about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his politics, perhaps nothing will. We certainly have already collected some sentiments about Mahmoud and poked our fun in various cartoon depictions, but are we really giving him a fair shake? After all, who needs fireworks when you can watch a missile test firing at government expense for free. Do they serve popcorn and Raisanettes? That's entertainment. You can't find that on cable.

- Iran test launches not one but 9 missiles.
- The world takes notice briefly while they are showing off.
- Israel has threatened to attack if necessary.
- Connie Rice immediately in the news backing our allies.

If North Korea were in the news for being up to no good, that would be the topper. This is pretty close to a real-life thriller novel.

We know everyone has at least one (perhaps hundreds of) nuclear missile(s) pointed at America so that will never be news. However, Israel spoke up quickly so they must know they are a target. In fact, they made no attempt to politically mask their feelings on the matter. No implications there. They clearly used the word "attack" as a verb, not a noun.

I wonder if it's Israel's future demise or strength as a nation to have strong ties with the U.S. Why? Because it seems someone always hates America. Along with anyone associating with us. Kudos to you, Israel. Keep hanging tough. You guys rock.

Now, we need to realize that Iran has repeatedly stated very clearly that their "nuclear program is strictly for energy." Good for you, Mahmoud. Build up your country with efficient energy facilities. If that's your true intention as you have stated. Please feel free to identify to the United Nations all the brand new nuclear reactors you have built once they are finished. We are interested in your country's new developments. We might help if only we knew it were true.

Please forgive us if we have a few questions, comments or accusations for you when your key general states, "our finger is always on the trigger." Huh. So which is it? Pro-energy or pro-warfare? Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Here is one possible response...

Dear Mahmoud,

You can't sell people on using nuclear technology for peaceful purposes like energy when you have a department of war building conventional one-ton warheads and testing ICBM's while making idle threats. Missiles that can easily be retrofitted with nuclear warheads. Missiles aimed at our strongest Mideast ally. Generals on your staff making blatant threats while waggling their fists at the West. You can't seem to make up your schizophrenic mind.

Stop whining to the U.N. about how you need plutonium enrichment to support your absurd nuclear program masquerading as a weapons depot. No one believes you. No one likes you. No one trusts you. They didn't like you as a kid and they still don't, you nut.

Do you think we are too busy with Election '08 to reduce your country to a sea of sand, you deranged tyrant? Think again.

Sure, we like watching our presidential candidates tell us empty promises every four years. They may attack one another both personally and professionally, lambasting each other's parties. But in the end, we always have unity as a nation. We may be preoccupied and busy, Jamie Lynn Spears is only 16 years old and had a baby which is thrilling and we share in her joy, but we're not so engrossed in our lives and pop culture that we won't relish the thought of whipping your butt.

Regards,

Your Average G8 Nation Citizen

p.s. Stop calling us infidels -- someone who has no religious beliefs. That is getting very annoying. We are a nation with freedom of religion. We have many diverse religious beliefs. "In God We Trust" is written on our money. Do you like being called a psychotic nomad?