50 Better Ways Manny Ramirez Could’ve Blown $7.7 Million
Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder, Manny Ramirez was just busted for failing a performance-enhancing drug test. As a result, Man-Ram received a 50 game suspension effective immediately. Aside from totally screwing over the Dodgers, Manny’s absence will cost him roughly $7.7 million. So just to rub in the sheer stupidity of his actions, we’ve decided to throw together a list of 50 way better ways he could have blown that cash, other than losing it to the MLB.
Give boob jobs to every Miss America contestant until 2031
Purchase 71,007 of his own LA Dodgers jerseys
Buy Snuggies for 429,448 other idiots
Buy 18,517,034 Fishsticks for Kanye West - shipping and handling not included
Buy 1,929,825 2-piece grilled chicken dinners at KFC
Fund the RIAA’s quest against P2P filesharing for 377 days (Ok, this one isn’t “better”)
Fly to space with Richard Branson 38 times
Have 7.7 face transplants
Buy 26 Slumdog Millionaire Children
Give away 67 season tickets at Yankee Stadium to kids in his hometown of the Bronx
Cryogenically preserve a 2-liter bottle of semen for 100 years
Book Asher Roth to play 641 straight bat mitzvahs
Separate 3.85 pairs of conjoined twins
Book Gov. Spitzer’s escort, Ashley Dupree for 7.12 straight years
Sexually abuse 6 children without going to jail… assuming you worked for the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles,.
Re-buy Manny’s BBQ grill on eBay 11,925 times
Purchase a full page ad of your butt in the New York Times for 55 straight days
Full Body Liposuction of the entire cast of the Biggest Loser for 9.5 seasons
Book 3.4 Michael Jackson concerts
Buy 17,111,111 sliders from White Castle
Purchase 8,850.5 pairs of Kanye West’s Louis Vuitton sneakers
Buy 38,500 cartons of cigarettes in NYC
Pay Charles Barkley’s gambling debt 19.25 times
Fund the Boston globe for 8 weeks
Stay at the Presidential Suite in the Plaza Hotel for 14 years
Single-handedly make The Sounds new album “Crossing the Rubicon” go “Gold” in one day
Acquire 192,500 used pairs of panties from this girl
Purchase 15,400 lbs of Humboldt County’s finest
At $4000 an inch, you could stretch your penis 1925 inches more.
Have sex with Faith Leon for 4,812.5 hours
Fund an army of 147,379 Somali pirates for 1 year
Support a year of mentoring programs from 770 South Central LA teens.
T
ake Natalie Dylan’s virginity 2 times
Support Kevin Federline for 18 years 4 months
Show a nipple on the CBS Superbowl Halftime show 14 times
Sign Evan Longoria to a 14-year contract
Buy 616 prothetic legs for Heather Mills
Get 154,000 ‘Happy Ending’ Massages in NYC
Give 38.5 Full-Body Tattoos
Have Lunch with Rosie O’Donnell and Star Jones 570 times
Get the Human Genome Map on Ebay for you and 112 of your friends
Cover the production costs on 7 tracks from Chinese Democracy
Purchase 51 luxury 50 yardline Suites to the Superbowl
Give The Mexican Wolf Boy Brothers a ‘Royal Shave’ everyday for 191.8 years
Buy 7,700 Liters of Omnadren Testosterone Blend
Service the national debt for the United States government for 7 minutes and 30 seconds
Use a public restroom in Germany 281 times a day for 75 years
Get Married 21,751 at the Graceland Chapel in Las Vegas
Fund Robert Rodriguez’s El Mariachi 11,000 times
Buy the “Robinson Crusoe Island” in Fiji
Give boob jobs to every Miss America contestant until 2031
Purchase 71,007 of his own LA Dodgers jerseys
Buy Snuggies for 429,448 other idiots
Buy 18,517,034 Fishsticks for Kanye West - shipping and handling not included
Buy 1,929,825 2-piece grilled chicken dinners at KFC
Fund the RIAA’s quest against P2P filesharing for 377 days (Ok, this one isn’t “better”)
Fly to space with Richard Branson 38 times
Have 7.7 face transplants
Buy 26 Slumdog Millionaire Children
Give away 67 season tickets at Yankee Stadium to kids in his hometown of the Bronx
Cryogenically preserve a 2-liter bottle of semen for 100 years
Book Asher Roth to play 641 straight bat mitzvahs
Separate 3.85 pairs of conjoined twins
Book Gov. Spitzer’s escort, Ashley Dupree for 7.12 straight years
Sexually abuse 6 children without going to jail… assuming you worked for the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles,.
Re-buy Manny’s BBQ grill on eBay 11,925 times
Purchase a full page ad of your butt in the New York Times for 55 straight days
Full Body Liposuction of the entire cast of the Biggest Loser for 9.5 seasons
Book 3.4 Michael Jackson concerts
Buy 17,111,111 sliders from White Castle
Purchase 8,850.5 pairs of Kanye West’s Louis Vuitton sneakers
Buy 38,500 cartons of cigarettes in NYC
Pay Charles Barkley’s gambling debt 19.25 times
Fund the Boston globe for 8 weeks
Stay at the Presidential Suite in the Plaza Hotel for 14 years
Single-handedly make The Sounds new album “Crossing the Rubicon” go “Gold” in one day
Acquire 192,500 used pairs of panties from this girl
Purchase 15,400 lbs of Humboldt County’s finest
At $4000 an inch, you could stretch your penis 1925 inches more.
Have sex with Faith Leon for 4,812.5 hours
Fund an army of 147,379 Somali pirates for 1 year
Support a year of mentoring programs from 770 South Central LA teens.
Take Natalie Dylan’s virginity 2 times
Support Kevin Federline for 18 years 4 months
Show a nipple on the CBS Superbowl Halftime show 14 times
Sign Evan Longoria to a 14-year contract
Buy 616 prothetic legs for Heather Mills
Get 154,000 ‘Happy Ending’ Massages in NYC
Give 38.5 Full-Body Tattoos
Have Lunch with Rosie O’Donnell and Star Jones 570 times
Get the Human Genome Map on Ebay for you and 112 of your friends
Cover the production costs on 7 tracks from Chinese Democracy
Purchase 51 luxury 50 yardline Suites to the Superbowl
Give The Mexican Wolf Boy Brothers a ‘Royal Shave’ everyday for 191.8 years
Buy 7,700 Liters of Omnadren Testosterone Blend
Service the national debt for the United States government for 7 minutes and 30 seconds
Use a public restroom in Germany 281 times a day for 75 years
Get Married 21,751 at the Graceland Chapel in Las Vegas
Fund Robert Rodriguez’s El Mariachi 11,000 times
Buy the “Robinson Crusoe Island” in Fiji
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