The Three Secrets about Extra Women #1 You can love your wife and want extra women.

The rules of our society say you have to get a divorce to even go find out if you want more attention, sex, or affection. Wow. You are supposed to risk everything just to find out! What if you go out there and find out you want what you had? There’s no healthy reason to play such a high stakes game.

Imagine saying, “Honey, I want a divorce. I really want to see the Starbucks barista naked, so here’s half my income and assets.”

And what about just having female friends? Even that is restricted! Know why? Because if you become more powerful, you could break the hold of the person controlling you. And one of the ways to become more powerful is to have more women around you. If that person finds out you are expanding your female contacts, the next thing you know, you’ll be deciding what you want to do with your life, and we can’t have that!

So let’s just make it our little secret. Some men find it perfectly acceptable to love their mates and have extra women on the side. Still others do some experimenting, only to discover it was not what they expected, and they go back to their previous arrangement. Don’t destroy your life just to find out.

Maybe you made a vow to “forsake all others.” Maybe it was a foolish vow. You don’t have to be bound by the decisions of a wide-eyed, love struck groom. Let’s make sure you don’t forsake yourself.

You don’t have to stop loving anybody just because you have some fresh desires. If she doesn’t love you enough to let you do what you need to, just keep it to yourself. Be bigger about it. Love her even if she is still wrapped up in adolescent fantasies of “possessing” someone for life.

Excerpted from Have a Great Midlife Crisis, “Extra Women” chapter.

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