Mortal Kombat

I think at some point a couple days ago, McCain assembled all of his various spokespeople in a room and said, “Alright, here’s the deal: the douchiest surrogate gets to be vice president.”

Lieberman came out of the gate swinging - he, after all, is an established master of the douchey arts. “I see nothing wrong with implying that Obama would be bad for Israel regardless of whether or not I believe that to be true!” he said. And victory seemed assured.

Phil Gramm knew that if he was going to compete with that sort of kung fu, he needed to kick it up a notch. He needed … blue steel.

“Recession? What recession?” he snapped, swinging some nunchuks around. “Americans are just a bunch of whiners. Suck it up, you homos!” Then he flexed his muscles and posed for the camera.

Phil Gramm had one weakness, however: campaign losers Romney and Giuliani just want it more. Romney because he thinks he’s going to be president in 2012 and Giuliani because he’s tired of trying to find employment on Craigslist like a peasant.

“Suggesting that learning another language is a worthwhile activity is inherently anti-American,” Romney said, servos and gears whirring as his face contorted into something intended to resemble a benign human expression.

Giuliani nodded solemnly and dabbed at the sweat on his forehead. It was bad enough that he was wearing a suit in this weather, but he had known that he wouldn’t have time to change for his pizza delivery job afterwards and had just worn the Domino’s uniform underneath his Armani.

“Europeans aren’t human,” he said. “It’s true. They’ve done experiments. Instead of human organs, they’re just filled with a viscous fluid. That means that Obama, by association, is a traitor to the human race.”

“Wow,” McCain said, clearly impressed. “You guys are all clearly huge d-bags. And it was super-hard to pick a winner. But I think I’m gonna have to go with Jesse Jackson.‘