God drives a Honda?

So I was driving home from class tonight and saw a little blue Honda ahead of me with a “Mitt Romney for President” bumper sticker proudly displayed.

Now I don’t claim to know anything about politics. You couldn’t pay me enough to take an Intro to Poli Sci class, and the extent of my knowledge of current political events comes from jokes told by Conan O’Brien.

Now I’ve heard that this guy Mitt Romney is some kind of politician who might be taking a run at President of the United States of America. I have no idea what type of politics he plays. But the big thing the media latched onto with this guy is that he is a mormon. That’s right. We might have a guy from a genuine religious cult running for the most powerful job in the world.

That would have me a little scared if the guy had a snowball’s chance in hell of even hitting a double digit percentage in the polls. And as so many proselytizing mormons told me as part of their sales pitch, “12 million people* can’t be wrong!” As I've said before, that is a stupid argument. What about the 6 billion people who aren't mormon? They can't be wrong, either. Nor can the countless millions worldwide who shoot smack in their arms everyday to get high.

Let’s make a few wild assumptions and ignore a few major issues—let’s say that a vote for Romney means a vote for mormonism. All mormons, whether under 18 or citizens of other countries cast a vote for Romney. Nobody else does. The last figure I heard for U.S. population was that we are over 300 million people strong. Okay, so in my little scenario kids can vote, and everybody votes. So that’s 288 million verses 12 million, or 4% of the total votes cast for Romney and 96% for other candidates.

Now I haven’t watched Conan in awhile, so I don’t know if this guy has thrown in the towel or not. But if he is still having a go at it, and makes it a little higher up the ladder, all he is going to do is be a spoiler candidate, for people too stupid to know how to cast a worthwhile vote.

What I consider spoiler candidates are the guys who are consistently the lowest in the polls. And I’m not talking about 30% low—I mean 5% low. Will they do the responsible thing and bow out gracefully? Hell no. There is ego involved here! “I inherited a bazillion dollars and Granndaddy told me I could be President if I wanted to. If you don’t let me in the office I’m gonna throw a big ol’ temper tantrum! You really better let me be President, because I want the office to get more chicks!”

It’s a shame that in this country, where every child grows up hearing that they can grow up to be President if they want (a total lie—you were already the fastest sperm, don’t think you can play those odds and win again!), that we let spoiled little boys run and skew the voting results. And it’s a shame that we have stupid voters, who think their vote cast is for the principle, even if their candidate cannot win. Because, principle or not, they often end up putting a candidate in office who would have lost if there were only two choices.

For example, in the polls:
Candidate Don K. Ass gets 45%
Candidate Ellie Fant gets 40%
Candidate Indy P. Dent gets 15%

Let’s say in this screwy scenario, the democrats are the most distant, politically speaking, from the republicans and the indies. So if the indies are too stupid to jump ship when it is sinking fast and they all vote for their doomed candidate, then the dems take the White House. But if they realize that the republican is the lesser of two evils and all vote that candidate, then repubs take the ‘House 55-45. But people are stupid, generally speaking, so they don’t vote wisely.

Anyway, the whole thing is trumped by our ridiculously antiquated voting system of the Electoral College. Where the mantra “every vote counts” don’t mean Jack. Because those guys can vote and decide the election anyway they want, no matter what the voting public “suggests.”

Hmmm . . . mormon church . . . 12 million people . . . all guilt tripped and audited into paying their tithe . . . most of them very successful with jobs like doctors, lawyers, and military officers. Simmer it in a pot, sprinkle liberally with conspiracy theory for flavor, and what do we have? The recipe for a hearty “mormons buy the electoral college and thereby the presidency stew!” Like Campbells, that's Mm-mmm, good!

Now if I turn up missing or die from a heart attack soon, it’s because I tangled with the scariest cult I’ve ever encountered!

Anyway, the title of this post is because I assumed that homeboy driving the Honda is a mormon, and that means he probably thinks that if he is good enough, follows all the rules as prescribed by the latest (i.e. most politically correct, because the mormon "god" is weaker than Fox News) canonical mormon documents and presidential decrees, and makes it into their secret temple rituals, he might turn himself into a god. Which, I tend to think is A. blasphemy, and B. silly hogwash, but hey, “to each his own.” Only the best of the best make it to the upper echelons of the classic pyramid scheme that is mormonism.

Oh, and my deficient (due to apathy) politics aside . . . PLEASE DON'T ELECT HILLARY! That would be a nightmare! I know! Let's vote Conan! How 'bout it? I'd sure be proud to display a bumper sticker that says "I pity the fool who don't vote O'Brien / Mr. Tee '08!"

*12 million people was the worldwide church membership numbers when they were trying to entice me into the cult with hot chubby girls who were willing to pledge their undying love to me by the second date; after all, Brigham Young did say that if you were 25 or older and unmarried, you were “a menace to society.” Now, have you ever noticed that every single mormon chick is freaking hot? I think this is why somebody came up with this wildly innapropriate (though hilarious) tee shirt.