Disarming the Narcissist

As a mediator and peacemaker, I find the most challenging conflicts to involve deeply self-absorbed people. Clinically, these people are described as overt maladaptive narcissism.  Sometimes, I see it in one or more of the parties; sometimes I see it in the lawyers that may represent the parties.  You have probably come across narcissistic people in your work and perhaps in your relationships.
 
My guest on the September 18, 2008 The Doug Noll Show is one of the leading experts on narcissism.  Wendy Behary is the founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and The New Jersey Institute for Schema Therapy. She has been treating clients and training professionals for more than 20 years.

 
Wendy has a specialty in treating narcissists and the people who live with and deal with them. She has lectured both nationally and internationally to professional and general audiences on the subject of narcissism and how to deal with difficult people. Her work with industry has included speaking engagements focused on interpersonal conflict resolution.

Wendy describes narcissistic people as those who are grossly self-absorbed.  They feel an exaggerated sense of entitlement, believe that the rules do not apply to them, are condescending, vain, tend to show-off and be the center of attention, and are always looking for an audience.  What’s interesting, Wendy says, is that most of this behavior is unconscious.  In other words, most narcissists have no awareness of their behavior.  And, if you call it out, they are deeply offended and often angry that they are being criticized.

A caller describes her husband as insulting and demeaning.  He is overly sensitive to criticism.  Wendy suggests that the caller take an inventory of what tools, techniques, and conversations have not worked.  Write these down and think about what you are doing that is not working.  I point out that dealing with narcissists sometimes requires drawing clear boundaries.  This creates a two-choice dilemma for the narcissist: accept the boundary or accept the consequence of no boundary, which should mean the end of the relationship.  However, you have to be prepared to be vulnerable and to accept the choice.

Wendy describes the causes of narcissism as rooted in childhood development.  It arises from children who are over-indulged and spoiled and from children who experience conditional love based on performance criteria.  For example, strict parents who praise only for good grades or sports achievement will raise a child who learns not to trust anyone but himself or herself for emotional soothing.

Another caller says that he might have a narcissistic girl friend.  She always wants her way and has no tolerance for the caller’s desires, needs, or wants.  Wendy asks him, “What is silencing you?  Why are you not speaking up about your needs?”  She observes that this is a common problem in relationships with narcissists—that people are afraid to call out the truth for fear of the storm of conflict that will follow.  Wendy suggests that the caller simply ask for a turn at life, such as “Would you be willing to go to this movie with me?”

Wendy says that the narcissistic population breaks down along gender lines 75% men and 25% women.  Narcissistic women tend to be focused on issues of vanity and martyrism.  Dealing with narcissists requires that you investigate your feelings and reactions to them.  Many times, narcissists trigger us in ways that are teaching us what must shift within ourselves before we can have compassion for them.

Wendy describes empathic confrontation as a process of learning as much as you can about yourself, then about the narcissist and how he or she triggers you.  With that understanding, you can listen deeply and empathically.  Finally, you can insist on boundaries and accounability.  Narcissists can change if they want to.  However, you must work on yourself and not count on change from the narcissist in your life.

The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf

On this show, I did something I have never done before—I reviewed a book written by my guest, in this case, Wendy Behary.  The book is Disarming The Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed.

If you are in relationship with some who exhibits the traits of a narcissistic individual, read this book.  It offers a practical tool kit for dealing with the emotional challenges of someone who cannot relate to us—the narcissist.  In the early chapters, Wendy gives the reader a solid understanding of what narcissism is and what it isn’t.  She distinguishes clearly between overt maladaptive narcissism and healthy adult narcissism.  The reader gains a deep appreciation for how wounded and fearful these people are and why their behaviors, while disruptive and provocative, are really cover-ups for deep shame, fear, and insecurity.

The key to dealing with narcissist people is to understand your self. When you can identify your triggers associated with the self-absorbed person, you are well on your way to developing strategies for finding inner and outer peace.  Wendy gives you the tools for developing this awareness, with particular emphasis on learning mindfulness—the ability to be aware of everything and certain of nothing.

Disarming the Narcissist is an important addition to my Peacemaker’s Bookshelf because so many of the lessons and techniques are applicable in other types of conflicts and fights.  It is a gem of a book, easy to read, and well worth the investment.  The book is Disarming The Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary and published by New Harbinger Publications.