Olympic Blogging Continues - Drug Testing Imminent

Good Golly (and I don’t use that expression lightly). Mama Dawg of Two Dogs Running has written the nicest letter about me since, well, ever. Compared to her praise, my mother was merely fond of me. Once the Olympics are over (and I stop being so damned self centered) I’ll be posting an homage to the woman to whom I’ll soon be paying a 15% agents fee.

Speaking of Olympics, I should have thought twice about committing to write something funny about the Games EVERY BLOODY DAY! You think the decathlon is exhausting? That’s only 10 events. What was I thinking?

So today’s Dogs & Jeans Olympic entry is a collection of Seinfeldian random thoughts:

Random Thought 1: What’s with the multicolored tape wrapping the participants to near mummification? I consider myself a pretty avid sports watcher and I have never see this until the Beijing Games. Black, red, blue, red and yellow bands running up down calves, thighs and shoulders. It’s like they got drunk at the Guggenheim and bumped into some wet Kandisky’s.

Random Thought 2: Can anyone believe no medalists have tested positive for anything yet? No joke here, I'm just surprised that training, diet and clean mountain air alone has shattered nearly every record on the books.

Random Thought 3: I was shocked last night to learn BMX is now an Olympic sport. Are you freaking kidding me? BMX is a child’s past time like skateboarding, jacks and spilling Kool-Aid all over the kitchen floor so you have to pull out the dishwasher and clean underneath so you don’t get ants, goddammit!

It’s hard enough for athletes to justify taking time from school, working “flexible” underpaying jobs and putting their lives on hold for four years for most sports. But to ride those tiny bikes around at the park with a bunch of 11 year olds? How do their poor parents stand the shame?:

“Has Jeremy passed the Bar yet, Sylvia?”

“Oh Hello Marjorie. No, he’s…um…he’s pedaling an undersized bike without gears over some piles of dirt at the playground.”

“Ahh,” (awkward pause, she checks her watch) “Well, I’ve got…stuff… to do. Bye”

Random Thought 4: You can’t be shy to be a diver. Diving is the only sport where the athletes are taking shower after shower out in the open. Could we get kind of a Phoebe-Cates-Fast-Times-at-Ridgemont-High slo-mo on some of them? I recommend some of the other athletes spend a little quality shower time during their events. The female beach volley ballers are already dressed for it. I wouldn’t mind seeing the heptathletes wet either. Don’t bother suggesting any male showers either; we’ve all seen Michael Phelps glistening muscles quite enough, thank you very much.

Random Thought 5: Should anyone inform the IOC that trampoline is just diving without the splash? Was it really necessary? Are these people that couldn’t make it as gymnasts? And why do I need to trim my eyebrow hairs weekly once I passed 40? For crying out loud, what’s wrong with me?