Asians Better at Math, Especially When It Comes to Faking Gymnasts' Ages

Well, it's official. An IOC investigasian of the Chinese women's gymnastics team members' ages is underway. Five out of the six team members--He Kexin, Yang Yilin, Jiang Yuyuan, Deng Linlin and Li Shanshan--are suspected of being underage, which leaves only Cheng Fei (below, far left), 20, confirmed as an old bag.


In response to the media outcry about the gymnasts' ages that started before the Games' commencement and has not let up since, Huang Yibin, head coach of the women's and men's teams, said:

"Our athletes participating in these games all conform to the age regulations of the Olympics. Asians have different figures than people from the West, so that's what caused their suspicion."

TRANSLASIAN:

"Whoa, whoa. Did you guys forget that we invented the abacus?! Shit, we basically invented math. We do calculus for fun the way you guys do the NY Times Sunday crossword, the only difference being, we actually solve our puzzles every time. Our calculators--which computed the gymnasts' ages--are so sophisticated, they can read minds AND cook dinner.

Since the beginning of time, Asians have been better at math. That is a universal truth, kinda like how blacks are better at dancing and basketball. Am I right or am I right?! Oh wait. Of course I'm right. Why? Because math don't lie. And we're good at math. See what I just did? That's a little thing I like to call logic.

We invented that, too."

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