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Beijing 2008: The Game

Written by Frootcakez on

I write this review with a sense of urgency. I’m writing it not simply because I enjoy writing reviews, but also out of an obligation that I, as a humanitarian, have to the rest of mankind. If you get nothing else out of this post, remember this: do not play Beijing 2008.

Beijing 2008 is a recently released PC game published by SEGA. The premise is clear: you compete in different Olympic events and try to win medals. I’ve never really enjoyed sports games, but I thought Beijing 2008 would be worth a try because it has — as advertised — almost 40 different events.

The Crappiest Game Ever

The first event I tried was the high jump. I read a review on IGN or something a few days ago saying the high jump was the best event in the game; I soon discovered that they were right. To perform a high jump, your character runs towards the jump and you have to alternately tap A and B (on an Xbox controller) in sync with your character’s foot hitting the ground. The better your timing, the higher you’ll be able to jump.

Unfortunately, the controls for the remaining 40-odd events are incredibly poorly designed. Most of them involve alternately tapping A and B, but not in sync with anything. Instead, you just tap them as fast as you possibly can, and build up speed or power. This in itself isn’t a bad thing. What’s bad is how ridiculously fast you have to press them to be at all competitive.

The first time I ran the 100 meter dash, I held the controller normally and moved my thumb between the two buttons as fast as I could. I came in 8th (of of 8), with a time twice as long as the guy in 7th. So the second time I ran, I just rubbed my thumb back and forth across A and B really really fast. That time I came in 5th. I tried this a couple more times and eventually in the 200 meter I came in 2nd.

And what’s so bad about this? Well, I now have a blister the size of Mt. Fuji on my right thumb. I am in excruciating pain, and I didn’t even manage to get first place.

Another Complaint

Although I should have used a pencil, not my thumb, I still probably wouldn’t have been able to get first place. In all of the racing events they have, just like the real Olympics, no “3, 2, 1, GO!” countdown. Instead, a gun is fired and you just run. This is problematic because the computer AI seems to go pretty much exactly when the gun is fired, and no matter how fast you are, there’s no way you can start a race anywhere but in last place.

My current theory is that the game is actually a joke to punish BitTorrent users who like to download games, and I’m hoping that refunds will be sent to all legitimate buyers. You would have to pay me to make me play Beijing 2008 again.

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Comments

Frootcakez said...

Let me begin by saying that I don't feel compelled to respond to your comment because it contains a cogent argument; indeed, your so-called "argument" is mostly a collection of baseless assertions that don't cohere in any manner. Instead, I'm responding because I can't stand people like you who will skim something I've taken the time to write, then write belligerent comments that are full of syntactical and grammatical errors. So first let me explain what I mean by "baseless assertions." You assert (correct me if I'm wrong) the following: 1. I am full of shit (I assume you meant your first word to be "you're," not "your") 2. This game is the best Olympic game since "Barcelona 1994" Your third clause, after your second comma, is incomprehensible, but a linguist friend of mind suggested the following: 3. Using a Playstation 2 Gamepad controller in conjunction with a USB converter will allow you to successfully play the game. 4. There are tutorials that explain the events 5. I am a "PC Dweeb" 6. I have no knowledge. Let's tackle assertion #1: I am full of shit. Actually, I am not full of shit. I assume you mean "full of shit" in the non-literal, colloquial sense. That is, you are declaring my review to have factual inaccuracies. You named no inaccuracies, though, so it may be that you think my *opinion* of the game is incorrect. You and I may subscribe to different philosophical systems, but I believe that an opinion *cannot be* incorrect. I am entitled to think the game sucks, just as you are entitled to think it's fun. Somehow though, you think it's still okay to say I'm full of shit. Assertion #2 is that this game is the "best Olympic games [sic] since Barcelona 1994." Here I don't disagree. I have no way to actually disagree with you here, because I haven't ever played any other Olympic games. Ever. You will note, though, that nowhere in my review do I say it's not the best Olympic game since "Barcelona 1994." You will also note that the fact that it's the best game in its genre does not necessarily make it a *good* game. Your third argument is your most poorly formed, but perhaps your most powerful. You do not describe how using a PS2 controller effectively is in anyway related to my review. However, I'm willing to do the work for you. It could be that my bad experience playing the game was due entirely to the controller I was using: a wired Xbox 360 controller. This conclusion is doubtful but possible. I should mention though, that the Xbox controller WORKED just fine. There was no problem with the buttons; the problem was the speed with which you needed to press them. Argument #4 can be responded to in a similar manner as above. Yes, there *are* tutorials in the game, but again, that was not the PROBLEM. I knew which buttons to press, the problem was that it's almost physiologically impossible to move your hand fast enough. Thus arguments #3 and #4 are both possibly correct, but neither one is contrary to anything I said in my review. Argument #5 returns to the pugnacity of argument #1. I was tempted to disregard this assertion on the grounds that it is entirely irrelevant to your argument; in fact, it's relevant to MY argument. In the second paragraph of my review, I mention that I played this game on PC. From then on, I assumed that an intelligent reader (clearly not you) would know that my review was germane only to the PC release. Even if you're somehow intellectually impaired, I thought that this would be self-evident from the fact that my review was posted to the "PC Games" online magazine. Indeed, I have NO idea how fun this game is on consoles, because I've never PLAYED the console versions. I was also tempted to disregard argument #6 (that I have no knowledge), but I felt that I should defend my intellect. I do, actually, have SOME knowledge. Knowledge is difficult to quantify, as evidenced by the plethora of standardized exams our students have to take, but I can offer incontrovertible proof that I do, in fact, know something: I am writing in the English language. I assert that it requires KNOWLEDGE to speak or write in a language. My expertise in neuroscience is admittedly limited, but I believe this to be true. In closing, I hope you will begin to use that thing that's attached to your neck and isn't your torso. If not, you might as well do the rest of us a favor and remove it.