Richie Sambora

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has been suffering from personal issues and recently entered rehab. The specific nature of Richie Sambora's problem was not disclosed, but Sambora still plans to perform with Bon Jovi this summer. He... [more]

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Livin' on a Prayer: Bon Jovi Guitarist DUI plus, a Salute to the 5 Worst Bon Jovi Cover Versions of All Time!

Written by thesharkguys on

From: www.thesharkbook.com

In the spirit of kickin' 'em when they're down, we thought we'd lace 'em up and give a solid punt to the arse of everyone's favorite crap-rock poster boys, Bon Jovi in this, another of our 'music and booze-themed' postings.

'Jovi Guitarist Ritchie Sambora, pictured here, and looking in decidedly poorer shape than ex squeeze Heather Lochlear was recently arrested for DUI in Laguna Beach California. So, to honor the band, and also in the spirit of celebrating the worst of everything, we've decided to put together a tribute, of sorts, to Bon Jovi, the world’s most famous Bruce Springsteen tribute band.

Early on in their career as Bruce, they discovered that their slice of the bar receipts pie was wafer thin (to mix food metaphors) and that they should ditch their E Street Band and streamline their line-up to the dismal arena wimp-rock quartet that you see today.

This was after the unceremonious booting of bass player Alec John Such, because he ‘couldn’t play his instrument’—a requirement obviously forgotten soon after as few of the remaining members actually know how to play theirs (the sole exception being David Bryan, the band’s keyboard player, who actually trained at the Juilliard School of Music, and judging by his current gig tickling the ivories with the Jersey-based dunder-heads, is about as overqualified as Mike Tyson doing security detail at a Girl Scouts Jamboree)

Their intrepid leader Jon Bon Jovi, of course, is Bruce Springsteen— if Bruce had a tin ear, Meg Ryan’s hairstylist, and penned gems like ‘Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake, Luck ain't even lucky’ instead of great songs like Born to Run, Highway Patrolman or Thunder Road.

It is not hyperbole to make the claim that Bon Jovi represents everything wrong with modern music, or at least, modern music that became more bankrupt, creatively speaking, than Bear Stearns, at around oh, 1987 .

Bon Jovi is a church-basement rummage sale clearing house version of The Boss. Their Oprah-approved ‘rock-lite’ is more sanitized than a trauma burn unit and their Forest Gump libretti induces more projectile vomiting than the elimination round at a chilli eating contest. If this wasn't enough, and from our vantage point here it certainly is, their news anchor bobs will guarantee they’re a shoe-in for the next installment of ‘Old Men who Look Like Lesbians’.

The only thing worse than an actual Bon Jovi song, arguably, is Bon Jovi doing a version of someone else’s, automatically better original. Of course, worse still, would be someone actually COVERING a Bon Jovi song, but to the best of our knowledge, the likelihood of this occurring is about as probable as a meteor the size of the state of New Jersey striking the earth.

Since their own music wasn’t bad enough, here is Bon Jovi doing what they do best—spilling their own REO Speedwagon / Three Dog Night effluent on some of the world’s most well-beloved songs. Luckily for all concerned, these are so popular that nobody would mistake them for Bon Jovi originals and mislead any future generations. Here, in no particular order, because the pork rendering plant stench emanating from each, is indistinguishable from the other, is our Top 5 Worst Bon Jovi Covers of All Time

5. Bridge Over Troubled Water
If Paul Simon ever got wind of this, it would be all 4 foot 2 of him, plummeting to earth from said bridge.

4. Here Comes The Sun
George Harrison would be doing tumbles, backflips and cartwheels from beyond the grave if he ever got wind of this 'Sun'.

3. Twist & Shout
The Isley Brothers would commit fratricide

2. Boys are Back in Town
'Thin' Lizzy gains about 20 lbs, moves to the suburbs and gains 20 more

1. Help
This is beyond 'Help'.

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