The Next PSP - PSP 3000... and Why No One Will Care

Last week, a shadowy mystery agent stole the plastic frame from a PSP manufacturing plant and posted pictures of it on a Chinese website.  If you trust this information, and given the circumstances why wouldn't you, then it confirms rumors that Sony is developing a third version (2nd version shown here) of the PSP, already being called the PSP 3000.  This apparent version features a built-in microphone and is expected to have GPS as Sony has already talked about its eagerness to include GPS features in future games.  This is an exciting opporuntity for online gamers to pinpoint, via satellite, the location of the 15 year old who spent all evening calling them fag on the new built-in microphone.

While Sony consults with its GPS scientists and works out how to cram my 1998 cellphone's technology onto the thing, PSP hackers have been using the system to perform every act of electricity that has ever been.  Sony doesn't want you to know this: the PSP is the most versatile device you can own.  If you have Google and five minutes, you can wipe the Draconian Sony firmware off your PSP and replace it with magical possibilities.

You see, aside from games, Sony's firmware only allows you to watch UMD movies such as Will Smith's Hitch.  That's pretty much it, and to even do that you have to go back in time to when retailers hadn't yet decided UMD's were retarded, even ones that aren't Hitch.  The UMD format was such a bad idea that dead rodeo clowns laugh at it.  Oh yeah, the PSP also has a web browser, which is a fantastic tool for people who are training themselves to hate web browsers.  Buying a retail PSP is like buying a chimpanzee with a bullet in its head.  It's sort of neat, but if you could somehow get that bullet out of there and replace it when healthy brain tissue, you could really have a nice time with that chimpanzee.

While on the subject of monkeys-- when you're designing a movie poster and your idea is Will Smith leaning on the name of the movie on a white background, does your handler put you down for being rabid?

Obviously, Sony wants to keep its Darth Vader grip on what you can and can't do on their system.  Because the same google search that shows you how to unlock non-Sony applications is the same google search that shows you where all the free PSP games are.  So fair enough, Sony.  Even if that weren't the case, though, and you're an honest software-buying consumer, as soon as you erase your PSP's Sony brain and replace it with the Magical Possibilities brain, the chances of them selling you B-Boy, a game about breakdancing (above), go down by 100%.   You'll be playing old Super Nintendo games, downloading movies, turning it into a remote control... hell, hackers got a GPS working on it two years ago.  So it's cute that Sony might be making an updated PSP with teleconferencing and global positioning or whatever.  To any savvy current-PSP owner, that might as well be a pocket AM/FM garage door opener and fish dispenser.  Which now that I think about it means that gone is the clutter from watching Hitch while you squirt fish!  Plus, it has a hook to hang your work gloves and a convenient tornado alarm.  It's why you'll be calling the PSP Three Thousand the PSP Three WOWsand!