Evil is as Evil Does….er, uh, Did

Evil Knievel.....A mobster? Nah. He doesn't look like a mobster.

Well, The FBI, you know, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, aka Fart, Barf, & Itch to the rest of us, released information today stating that they came close to charging Evil Knievel with being a member of organized crime.

Knievel, who is immortalized in the Smithsonian Institution as “One Of America’s Legendary Daredevils,” had a knack for telling outrageous yarns and claimed to have been a swindler, a card thief, a safe cracker and a holdup man.  He was sort of an Elvis Presley /Chuck Barris wannabe, I think.

His most famous stunt though, was a run-in with the law in 1977 after an attack on movie studio executive Shelly Saltman, whom the daredevil beat with a baseball bat in the parking lot of 20th Century Fox.  God, that was some shit if you were around then to hear about it, like I was.

Saltman promoted Knievel’s infamous albeit failed attempt to jump Idaho’s Snake River Canyon and then wrote a book about the experience. Knievel was sort of pissed that the book portrayed him as “an alcoholic, a pill addict, an anti-Semite and an immoral person.”  Jeez, some people.

In a phone conversation before he died, Fart, Barf & Itch tried to get him to incriminate himself in other matters, but he said he had nothing to do with “the thing.”  Hmm.  “The thing”…..sounds like organized crime to me.  You know.  I’m talking about the thing.  Not that thing, but the udder thing.  Da thing where we used dat one thing.

Knievel was sentenced to six months in jail for beating the bejesus out of Saltman and Saltman won a $12.75 million judgment, but never collected.  Knievel, much like O.J. Simpson about 13 years ago pretty much just said “fuck you, I’m not paying.”

Whatchya gonna do?

What can ya do?

Not a fucking thing, ya fuckin mook.  Now go take care of dat thing.