Eliot Spitzer's Wife's Decision

As you've all probably heard by now, the governor of New York, Eliot Switzer has been linked and all but admitted to participating in a prostitution ring.  It is sickening to view another press conference where a high profile politician is standing before the world admitting that he has committed, in my opinion, one of the most degrading crimes against a marriage and that is adultery.  No one knows what really goes on in a marital relationship but from the look of utter pain and great physical and mental distress on Switzer's wife, Silda's face, one can only imagine the thoughts this woman is having.  She has to make one of the biggest decisions of her adult life - should she stay or should she leave.  I offer the following advice to Silda and any other woman, or man for that matter, who has experienced this ultimate act of betrayal in a marriage:

When it’s Time to Let Go

 

It’s time to go when the thought of staying makes you feel fearful, cold, or flat-out depressed.  Another key factor of that will let you know if it’s time to leave is if  you're staying because you dream things will somehow magically change, think you can change the other person or because you feel being in an unacceptable or unfulfilling relationship is better than being alone.   If all of these or any one of these things are what you are feeling, you are already alone and remaining with this individual is like dragging a corpse around tied to your ankles.

So, how do you come to the conclusion that this so-so or downright dead relationship needs to be buried?  As yourself these questions:

1. What do I really want and need in a relationship?  Not what society, your family, or even your    church says you should want.  What do you really want?
2. Are you willing to compromise your needs and desires for the sake of the children, appearances, money, status or any other variable?
3. If it’s a marriage, can you honestly say that you have tried everything in your power to make it work? 

The answers to these questions lie deep inside of you.

Here are some other important things to consider:

Are you the problem?  If so, are you willing or able to do what is necessary to improve things? This is key; if your efforts are not enough to make it work and your significant other is not able to make up the difference, you know the relationship is dead as any cadaver in the morgue. Leave? Well, perhaps you can, can’t, will or won’t.

If children are involved, you must assure that you provide these children with the solid foundation they need to become well-rounded adults.  You must somehow find a way to assure the children that a well-rounded relationship is possible for them and that the death of your relationship has no bearing on your or your significant other’s love for them. Your decision to go or stay will reflect your core beliefs about parenting, religion, money, family and social status.

If you decide to call it a day, spend a great deal of time planning and strategizing your future.  Ask God for what you want; believe what you want is possible and then see it – really see it. Whatever you do, don’t allow negative and sad thoughts any room in your psyche.  There will be times when it hurts and when you feel so very alone and believe that you can’t go on.  Give yourself time to grieve but do not wallow in self-pity or the past.  Remember, you’ve got a life to live.

Let go and don’t look back. When it’s time to go and you stay, you will feel as if you are suffocating.   Make your decision and remain courageous, do not allow guilt to creep in, be kind to your ex (as much as possible).  Step out on faith and live in joy each and every day.

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About Carmin Wharton

Carmin Wharton is a relationship coach, professional speaker, entrepreneur, and the author of Lessons Learned:  While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces; a book which focuses on the pitfalls many women encounter while seeking a loving romantic relationship.  Carmin uses personal, gritty, and sometimes heart-wrenching accounts of her relationships with men to show that each relationship teaches us a valuable life lesson.   Each failed relationship, no matter how badly it ended, leaves us with a gift.  She asserts that everything that we need to know about anything is found in God’s Word – the Bible; applicable scripture, the ‘Lesson In-Depth’ and the relationship’s ‘Gift’ is included at the end of every chapter.  She is also the Founder of e-BlackWomenNetwork.com; an online networking community for women of color.